Bad Feelings

I still can't get used to my wedding ring not being there. I took it off the night Ryan told me he wanted a divorce. To me, there was no point in keeping it on. Your wedding ring is supposed to be a symbol of your love and commitment to your spouse, and after that conversation with Ryan I realized he felt neither of those for me. So it's sitting in my jewelry box. I had it on 24/7 for almost three and a half years. Several times every day I find myself moving my fingers around, trying to fiddle with it just out of habit. When I find it's not there, it just makes me sad.

You know what else makes me sad? That I get the feeling that my life serves as a some kind of a sad story now. We went to my sister's in-laws house today and it just felt so awkward. I knew that everyone knew about the divorce but no one mentioned it. It's not that I want to talk about it, but at the same time I felt like maybe there's some secret whispered conversation going on about me behind the scenes. It's probably not true, but still not a good feeling to think your marriage serves as a warning story to others.

Cats

Since the beginning of our marriage, our cats have always been like our kids. We first got Charly from a local family in Rexburg. Phoebe joined the family about 5 months later, coming from the animal shelter. They have always brought us so much joy and have been fun to be around.

Just a couple of months ago, I decided I wanted to get a third cat. Most of you probably know how that turned out...we ended up adopting a brother and sister pair from the Draper Animal Shelter. We named them Lucy and Buster. We had a lot of trials and considered taking them back, but in the end decided to stick it out and I thought we were glad we did. When this whole divorce thing happened, we decided that I would take Charly and Phoebe with me to Boise, and Ryan would keep Lucy and Buster here.

Last night Ryan came back from a weekend at his parents house and announced that he had decided to take Lucy and Buster back to the shelter. His family has never been huge on pets so I am not surprised they talked him into doing it. His rationale was that it would be harder to sell the house with them here and harder to find an apartment to rent after the house sells. I knew right from the beginning that Ryan was going to do this exact thing for those exact reasons...I just had a feeling. He took them back this morning and I am incredibly sad about it. I'm not sure what's happening with Ryan. In two weeks, he is going to wake up and be all alone. I will be gone. The cats will be gone. No one will be left here to love him.

So, in memory of sweet Lucy and Buster, a moment of silence.

...

You will be missed guys and I sure pray that you are adopted soon by people who will take good care of you.

My Side of the Story

Tomorrow will mark the one week anniversary of my husband telling me that he wants a divorce. This was the most heart-breaking news I have ever gotten and have since begun a new path in life...one I never thought I would take. Soon I will be a single person again, an idea that scares the crap out of me. But I figured, why not turn a negative into a positive? So I decided to start a blog and chronicle this whole terrible journey of a divorce and all of the feelings that go into it. To start the blog, I figured I would do a day by day breakdown of this last week and the events that have gotten me to where I am now.

Sunday, October 11th: Certain things had always been missing from Ryan and I's relationship, from the beginning. The thing that was bothering me most at that moment was how unaffectionate he always seemed toward me. I never felt wanted or really loved by him. It had been giving me a growing sense of unease and I was feeling like I might just have to give that up to be married to him. After talking with my best friend though, I decided that I had the power to make my marriage what I wanted, so I sat Ryan down and talked to him. I told him what was bothering me and we set out a plan with certain goals that we could aim for to make things between us better. I started that week optimistic about my marriage...ready to change it for the better.

Thursday, October 15th: I had noticed that Ryan hadn't been any more affectionate towards me all week, so I brought it up when he got home from work. He told me it was because "he forgot" and then told me he was going to go to work to email himself something he forgot from his work computer. He was gone for two hours. I went to bed early, angry at him for abandoning me all night.

Friday, October 16th: That morning I wrote Ryan an email at work, saying that I felt like he was hiding something from me that could explain his behavior. Saying that I needed things to change and wanted to know why they weren't. He wrote me back and said he would talk to me when he got home that evening. So, I waited all day, very nervous about what was coming...I never expected what he told me. He got home from work early and sat me down, then proceeded to tell me that he didn't love me and he hadn't through most, if not all, of our marriage. He told me he wanted a divorce. I was in a state of complete shock. I left the house and just drove around...I went to a movie, tried some shopping, anything to avoid thinking. When I got home, we went to our separate bedrooms and didn't speak.

Saturday, October 17th: He went to his parents house. I stayed in town, but spent most of the day with my grandparents, aunt and uncle, and cousins...which helped a lot. I told them the story of what happened and no one else could believe it either. I was so confused. Where had this come from? I didn't understand why suddenly he decided he didn't want to be with me and had to get divorced as quickly as possible. He said he didn't want to try counseling. But he had set up an appointment the next day with the bishop, so I said I'd meet him there.

Sunday, October 18th: We met with the bishop. He pretty much gave the counsel I expected. All marriages have problems and we need to humble ourselves and try to work through them. Ryan had already made up his mind though, so meeting with the bishop made no difference. We got home and Ryan told me that yes, he still wanted a divorce. We started talking about dividing items and reached a stalemate.

Monday, October 19th: Monday was my lowest point. I was just so overwhelmed. Where had this come from? It hadn't been explained well. After a day spent arguing about division of assets and threatening to get lawyers, I just broke down. I cried harder than I ever have in my life...I'm just glad no one was around to see me. That evening I wrote him an email asking him why he was doing this. I said I wanted to work things out, that our marriage was more important than this. That night I got a reply from him. Apparently he thinks that to make himself right with the Lord again, he needs to leave me. He said he had felt the Spirit more of the past few days than he had in a long time. He felt peaceful and calm when he thought about getting divorced. He said I had hurt him and we had both changed over the course of our marriage into people he didn't like. He was going to go to the temple the next day and pray about whether or not to try to work things out.

Tuesday, October 20th: I decided to go to the temple as well. I had wanted to go on Monday, but the temple hours didn't coincide with my work. It helped. I know that I took part in the disintegration of our marriage, but I also knew that it wasn't any kind of an answer to get divorced. However, I had a feeling Ryan didn't see it that way and if he didn't, there wasn't anything I could do about it and I needed to make peace with that fact. He came out of his temple session that day apparently with a spiritual affirmation that we should not try counseling and should not try to change ourselves together. That night I went out with my cousin Holly, which was great to get away. On the way home though, I just had a feeling like I needed to talk to Ryan. When I got home I told him that I didn't agree with what he was doing but that I still loved him. If we were going to do this, we needed to be civil about it and show some respect for the three years we shared together. We needed to try to understand where the other person was coming from in terms of what they wanted in the divorce settlement. I wanted to get through it without having to use lawyers, and I wanted to get through it without hating him or becoming bitter. He agreed.

Wednesday, October 21st: We had reached a truce of sorts and were working together to resolve issues of division. He was being very accommodating to what I wanted...I'll give him credit for that. He presented me with a short list of items he wanted, all of which I agreed to, and said that I get everything else. We agreed who would take what car, who got which cats, and that he would take responsibility for the house and sell it himself. Ryan worked more on divorce papers and I think he is almost done.

Today: Today I am feeling more at peace with the situation. I feel like I have done everything I can to stop the divorce. I pleaded with him to give us a second chance and try counseling and he wouldn't do it. I feel like if I can at least leave the marriage knowing it wasn't my choice and knowing that I did what I could to stop it, then I can have a clear conscious and find peace. I still don't feel completely satisfied with his explanation of all of this. Something had to have set him off but I don't know what it was.

I can agree with Ryan that we have become different people. We got lazy and didn't make each other a priority. I did have trouble giving him control, but that was something we had discussed before and he knew I knew of the problem and was trying to work on it. I have been the only one through the course of the marriage to bring up issues between us that I was having problems with, the only one to try to find solutions and improve our relationship. Ryan would never bring up problems he had. Instead he apparently bottled them up until they exploded. Now he is convinced that he is doing the right thing, spiritually. I cannot believe that Heavenly Father would give anyone a confirmation that divorce is the right thing without first trying other possible avenues. There is no trying to get him to see my side. He is dead-set on divorce. Personally I think he has a tendency to flee situations when they get tough so instead of trying to change himself with me, he thinks it will solve all of his problems to split up.

This whole situation makes me incredibly sad. Sad to just give up on the past three years and sad to lose my eternal companion. I know this isn't the right thing to do but there's nothing I can do to change his mind. For now we have a general understanding. We have been able to agree to most every point for the divorce agreement. It's not so beyond horrible to be near him. I'm glad for that at least because I will be here for the next two weeks before I am able to move. I am going back to Boise to live with my mom. I'll be moving the weekend of November 6th and trying to start a new life for myself. I am scared about what the future holds for me. I know it is going to take a lot of time, reflection, and therapy to get over the rejection that I've felt from the person who I was supposed to share eternity with. There is nothing worse than hearing your husband tell you he doesn't love you and that no matter how hard he has tried he has not been able to muster those feelings...to hear him say that he is just tired, too tired to stay and fix things. It's the worst feeling in the world, but I have hope now that maybe things will be okay down the line and I have a feeling that at some point in the future Ryan will realize the severity of what he has done and he will come to regret this decision he has made.