Beauty is only skin deep...

That’s a saying we hear all the time, but do we really believe it? We live in such a superficial society these days. I’ve spent the past couple of nights watching episodes of Nip/Tuck, which has made me ponder on this subject. The lengths that people go to in order to fit the world’s standards of beauty are somewhat disgusting, and very sad.

Pretty much the majority of my life I’ve been overweight. I know what it’s like to feel ugly, trust me. I’ve been stuck in an cycle of feeling bad about myself and then using food to help cover that pain. I’m definitely an emotional eater. I spent almost every single day of my past serious relationship feeling bad about myself because my partner never complimented me, never made me feel wanted. By the time that ended, I was left having periods of time where I just thought no one could ever love me. Not only because of my weight, but also because of my personality, who I was. Even at the start of Chris and I’s relationship, I remember having nights of just crying in bed, telling myself that as soon as he actually meets me or gets to know me better, he’s going to leave me because I don’t deserve love and I didn’t deserve him. That kind of damage is a hard thing to overcome, especially taking into consideration the many, many years before that relationship where I felt unattractive and unwanted.

I’ve wished I could get plastic surgery in the past. The quick fix, you know? If only I was skinnier, things would be so much easier and I’d be happy. I know you are probably wondering why I didn’t just diet and start exercising. The answer is complicated, and not one I’m sure I want to get into as it would probably take a lot of time and psychological explanation to cover.

What I wanted to say though, is that now, with Chris, I feel whole. I don’t want plastic surgery anymore. I don’t feel like I don’t deserve love. I don’t look in the mirror and hate what I see. Chris makes me feel beautiful everyday. He compliments me everyday. He tells me he loves me everyday. He’s helped heal me. Although I still would like to lose weight, it’s not like it was before. I know that Chris loves me at my current weight, and he will love me should I go up or down on the scale by 20 pounds. My wish is that everyone finds somebody who can do that for them in this life, because trying to find happiness and fulfillment by chasing society’s standard of beauty will never make you happy. You have to learn to love yourself, and with Chris’ help, I’ve done that. And I owe him more than I can say.

Mother England

Since I was young I always daydreamed about going on an adventure and moving to Europe. I’m sure that’s not a rare dream, by any means, but what I never really expected was for that dream to become a reality. Now, with my upcoming plans to exchange vows with a pure-bred English gent, I could realistically move there. I could raise kids there, who would call me mum and talk in cute accents. I could take a weekend train up to Scotland and buy all the yummy cheese (for cheap!) that I can handle! It seems like a fantasy, and lately I’ve become more and more enraptured by it. I can’t help imagining what my future would be like if we moved to England. The only real trouble is my family.

They don’t want me to go. Basically everyone has told me that I “can’t”. In fact, it’s almost turned into a kind of game with my mom. Anytime I mention something positive about England, she has to immediately tell me something negative. I’m aware of the negatives, the biggest of which would be leaving my family. However, I’d make it a priority to come and visit hopefully at least once a year. When my kids are older, I’d want to send them to Grandma’s for part of the summer. And we live in the age of Skype! Yes, it’s not as good as face-to-face contact…it can’t be, but it’s better than nothing. The way I see it, either my family or Chris’ is going to be the “away family”. There’s no getting around that. Neither one of them are going to relocate to where the other is. So I want to make the decision based on what is best for both Chris and I, and our future. If that’s England, I hope my family will learn to be as accepting as his has been about him moving here for me.

I’ve had a couple of friends move to the UK for a guy, one to England and one to Scotland. Neither have liked it. One moved back, forcing her husband to return to the US as well and leave his family, after she’d agreed to go there and they’d gone through the whole visa process for her (can you sense my annoyance?). The other is kind of stuck there and isn’t happy about it. I asked the one who moved back here what she didn’t like about Scotland. She told me it was basically just the culture clash. Everything was different, and she didn’t feel welcomed by a couple members of her husband’s family. I’m aware it’s going to be a big culture shock. When I was in England in October and Chris and I went to the grocery store for items to make my lasagne recipe, I was very easily frustrated. They didn’t have the brands I knew, I couldn’t explain to Chris exactly what I needed so he could tell me where it was, and all the measurements were different!! But I know that if I’m prepared for that situation ahead of time, it will hopefully be less of a headache…and I also know that’s something that won’t last forever. Eventually I will get their system down. As for non-welcoming in-laws, I’m not worried about that either. Yes, I’ve only gotten to really be around them for a couple of weeks, but I have no concerns about the family I am inheriting. The way I see it, Chris is my soul mate, which means his family is too.

Mostly I’m not scared about moving to England because I have Chris, plain and simple. I’d follow him anywhere. I know as long as we are together, I can put up with the rest of it. When I get lonely, he’ll be there to comfort me. When I get frustrated with measurements, he’ll be there to figure out conversions. So although we haven’t decided anything yet, and we won’t for another few years, I’m not ruling out moving to England. I just have to hope my family and friends won’t hate me if I do.