Christmas

I thought I would start out with a little slideshow of my niece and nephew from this holiday. =) I don't really have much news to go along with this posting. We mostly just hung out around the house...did a little after holiday shopping; I spent too much money but got a couple of really hot dresses so it's okay. ;) We went out to dinner a couple of times but didn't see any movies since having a 13 month old around isn't conducive to that. But it was great to have Rikki, Drue, and Taylor here and nice to spend some time with them. I hope everyone else had a a great Christmas!!

Never Again...

So lately I've felt myself becoming a little more bitter again. I am trying not to because I don't want to be that person, but I also can't help wondering to myself why in the heck Ryan married me if he was having doubts about it beforehand? Seriously. I gained like 60 pounds, lost 3+ years of my life, ended up getting a useless degree because I never thought I would actually use it, and racked up about $20k in debts I wouldn't have otherwise had (with the new car and student loans). I just don't know how he thought he was doing me any favors.

I don't think I will ever get married again. My mom is adamant that I will change my mind about that at some point, but I'm not so sure. Really, why bother? Even just a serious relationship...I don't think I will get involved in one of those for quite a while either. I'm learning you should only rely on yourself to create happiness and when you start depending on someone else to do that for you, nothing but trouble comes from it. I guess I'm just cynical about romance right now, and beg all my married friends not to hate me for writing all of this. =)

In other matters, I haven't heard from the psycho texter since my last blog entry. The cheating husband has sent me a couple of texts since then but I've just ignored him. I made another friend named Kyle who I've hung out with in the past week, but we are just friends. So, really no new boy news and I'm kind of hoping to keep it that way!

I still haven't heard back from the job, which is starting to make me a little nervous. But they did say that they were just hoping to have made the decision by the time they leave for holiday break, which means they have until Wednesday of this next week to contact me. *fingers crossed!!* I would really like the job and have already found a nice townhouse in Nampa for pretty cheap that I could rent, so it would work out well. More than anything, I just want to know their choice for sure because then I can put in more effort to looking elsewhere.

This has been a really boring week. I am finally to the point where I am going crazy being cooped up in the house all day, so I'll be really happy to get a job. My sister and her husband and daughter will be here on Wednesday so I am looking forward to having them around. =) It should be a fun holiday and I am really going to try to focus on the positive things in my life because I know there are plenty. Anyway, I hope all of my blog readers have a WONDERFUL Christmas and will post some updates for me to read after!

Psycho Alert!

Oh man, I'm laughing already...I can tell this will be a fun post. =) So remember Boy #2 that I described to y'all yesterday? Well, he's progressed to the point of being a psycho stalker now. After he was so very rude about my pictures, I stopped texting him. However, he went into work shortly after that so I guess he figured that was the reason I wasn't writing him. I went to bed early last night and when I woke up, I had the following five messages waiting for me...I am presenting them as they were written even though some of them make me want to throw up:

10:29pm - "What!! Did you think I forgot about you? Mmmm I still want to taste those lips they look irresistable mmm" (I KNOW! GAG!! Hahahaha)

10:55pm - "Baby if you don't feel like meeting me yet thats fine but you can at least text me and get to know more"

11:13pm - "Fine then i wont text you anymore I am a very sweet guy and so romantic hope u dont miss this chance to get to know me I Hate U"

12:01am - "U sleeping ? Baby"

12:31am - "Good night Princess"


I really couldn't believe it when I read those. He says he hates me and then proceeds to call me by two pet names? Seriously, crazy. But I hadn't gotten any messages from him by the time I went to my interview at 11am so I thought maybe he had gotten the hint. Nope...


11:20am - "Hello beautiful"

11:37am - "Are u just making me me wait? ?? ?"

12:06pm - Texted a photo of a red rose.

12:28pm - "Mmmm big eyes WOW your a very beautiful gal Your lips look so tasty" (GAG again)

12:40pm - "Hi sorry for bothering you Sweetie im gona still be waiting for your reply i dont care if it takes months for you to finally feel comfortable to text me i want you to know that you are a very beautiful gorgeous pretty girl i'll keep on texting you once every day so you dont forget bout me haha Sweet kisses Muah"


I have really just been laughing my ass off at him! He is really crazy. The weirdest thing is that he is very attractive (if the pictures he sent me are really him) so I have absolutely no idea why he is so obsessed with me, a girl he has never met, really knows nothing about, and whom he told needs to lose weight. Really? I mean come on, really? From the sounds of it, I might have a long term stalker on my hands. He hasn't texted me since the last message so I'll wait and see if he makes good on his promise. If so, I think I'll just have to block him through Alltel. I am just glad he doesn't really know anything about me...particularly a last name or address because he might just be crazy enough to come kill me in the night.

OH here's a fun idea for my blog readers...let's take a psycho poll. We will introduce a Boy #3 at this point and you can tell me if you think Boy #3 is more or less crazy than Boy #2, the psycho texter. Boy #3 was a guy I met almost four years ago at the Sundance Film Festival when a roommate and I went down there. He stopped me on the street and talked to me for a minute. He was working so I figured he was just trying to promote his product but then he asked for my number and said we should hang out sometime. The problem was he lived in Utah and I was in Rexburg going to school. I gave him my number though and he called a couple of times, but I told him I would rather email with him at the time so we could get to know each other that way. Things fizzled quickly and I hadn't heard from him until this last Thanksgiving. Out of nowhere he sent me an IM on Yahoo saying happy thanksgiving. At that point, I added him as a friend on facebook. So on Monday we talked on Yahoo Messenger for about an hour. He told me he is living in Kentucky now and is getting divorced. He offered to buy me a plane ticket to come out and visit him. I asked if he was serious and he said "as a heart attack" and claimed he always regretted not getting to know me way back when. He then offered to come to Boise instead of me going there, if I preferred. Well, I did a little research and have come to the conclusion that I think he is lying about the divorce. When I asked him what the waiting period for a divorce in KY was, he said that it was 6 months to a year when a child was involved (he has a daughter). But I looked that up later and it's actually 60 days, even with a child. Also, on his Facebook account he is still listed as married to his wife and they are still friends. He also posted some pictures on his account only a week ago which included her. Just a really weird situation I don't want to get involved in, so I have been avoiding him too.

So which is crazier? The texter or the cheating husband? And how am I attracting so many weirdos? Am I some kind of dirtbag magnet? I hope not. I'm deleting my myspace account today so I'm hoping this prevents future problems. =)

In a quick side note, I had an interview for a job today that is pretty similar to what I was doing at UVU. I think it went pretty well and I will hopefully hear by next week. =)

Boys suck

So a couple of weeks ago I decided to restart my MySpace account, which I had canceled when I got married. MySpace, much more than Facebook, seems to be about meeting new people so I figured maybe it would be a good thing for me to try. Not so. I've talked to a few guys on there, mostly casually, but a couple I got to know pretty well.

Boy #1 was the first guy I really met and talked to on MySpace after I started my account. He seemed to fit the type I usually go for. He seemed like a good guy...cute, funny, sweet. There were three or four nights that we talked for several hours, staying awake until 3am just chatting. It was really nice. We met in person about a week after we started talking online, but then it seemed like after we hung out he started acting a little weird...wonder why? He started taking forever to respond to texts or instant messages and seemed like he was avoiding hanging out again. I wasn't clear on the reason either. I had sent him an unflattering picture of myself before we even hung out so he knew that I was overweight and his response was "weight is something you can change." But honestly, I can't think of many other reasons for his change in behavior than the fact that he didn't like what he saw. So now I am in a waiting game with him. I talked to him briefly on AIM last night but that's been it for the past several days.

Boy #2 messaged me out of the blue on MySpace and we talked a little before he requested my phone number so we could text. I gave it to him. That was only yesterday. By today he was telling me how much he liked me and how I was "so beautiful". My first reaction to that? Why and what do you want from me? Boy #1 usually said I was "cute"...I can understand cute and believe he was being sincere when he said it. Maybe it's low self esteem but when a guy calls me "beautiful" it's just hard to swallow. So I sent Boy #2 the same unflattering pics I had sent Boy #1 so he would be totally aware of the not-so-good body I have these days. Boy #2's response? He wanted me to send him new full body shots since those were taken awhile ago and said that I need to lose some weight and gave me diet tips. Goodbye Boy #2.

So these experiences have lead me to the conclusion that I need to delete my MySpace account. Nothing but trouble has come from both situations. I really was starting to like Boy #1 but he suddenly changed his tune, and if it was because I wasn't as pretty as he was expecting...well, that just sucks. I don't know what to do about him so the situation will remain unresolved. As for Boy #2? That was just a beating on my self esteem that I didn't need.

The problem right now is that I have a lot of trust issues with guys. I think I have started expecting that they will lie to me. I caught a third boy in a lie and immediately wrote him off. Boy #1 and #2? I was always looking for things they said that might be lies...particularly Boy #2. Why did he act like he liked me so much? What could he want from me? Was he the type that purposefully went after heavier girls because it was easier to get what they wanted from them through flattery? I couldn't help but think those things and it didn't make me feel any better...it made me feel worse, obviously.

I feel like going out and buying a Marie Calendar's pie and eating the whole thing myself. =P

Uncertainty

So I told myself that I would start looking for a job, more seriously anyway, at the beginning of December. Yesterday I found a job at BSU for an "administrative assistant" and since BSU is a public university, I had to apply for the job through the state website. I didn't even meet the minimum qualifications for the position! How sad is that? I was answering no to experience questions left and right.

People keep asking me what my goals are or what kind of job I want. To be honest, I have no idea. I've considered going back to school to maybe get a Master's degree but I don't know what I'd go into. I really just have no clue what I want to do with my life and I'm not really sure how to figure it out...

I guess the problem is, what I'd really like to do is something in the publishing industry, like editing or something, but if I want to stay in Boise that isn't very realistic. *sigh* If anybody has some advice on this situation, I'd love to hear it! Right now I am really regretting not getting a more useful degree or giving this any real thought but I never imagined I'd be in a position where I had to support myself...I was hoping to be done working within the year and just be a full-time mom so this is a whole new life I have to plan here and it seems like a lot of pressure.

But let's end on a happy note...despite these issues of job searching, I am still loving life. I'm really happy, more than I have been in a long time...possibly ever. I've reconnected with some old friends here and have loved seeing them. I've made a new friend who is bringing out an interesting side of me...haha. =) Basically, it's just been a great ride and I'm hoping it will continue!

Thanksgiving

So I have a bright new outlook on life now. My last entry was kind of depressing...and really that was a depressing week with everything crushing down on me, but since then I have had a change in attitude. When I wrote the last entry, I was kind of dreading Thanksgiving because I felt like I had nothing to be grateful for but now I can see the opposite is true. So in no particular order, here are the things in my life that I am grateful to have.

--I am grateful for a second chance. I feel like my marriage to Ryan was something that was rushed into, probably for the wrong reasons. I'm not saying I will ever get married again but if I do, I will at least have learned from this experience and will be able to make the right choice for the right reasons later in my life.

--I am grateful for a return of self esteem. I don't want to rag on him, but there used to be a lot of stuff that I did that Ryan would complain about. Because of that, and other factors, my self esteem plummeted during my marriage. Almost two months after all of this started, I feel like I am myself again. I never really felt comfortable or like I could really be who I was with Ryan. Now I am able to do that and am beginning to love myself again and feel comfortable in my own skin.

--I am grateful for freedom. That might sound terrible, but I absolutely love not having to answer to anyone now. I don't have to explain myself for purchases I make. I don't have to be responsible for someone else's meals or clean clothes or whatever. I only have to worry about myself and don't have to be accountable to someone. I am loving that.

--I am grateful for a new outlook on life. Certain things have changed for me since the divorce. It has been a welcome change. Frankly, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders now. I can be who I am and don't have to do things just to please others. (Again, this is one of those comments that might not make total sense if you don't know the situation, but I promise I will explain soon.)

--I am grateful to be in Boise. I LOVE Boise. It is my home, and always will be. I am loving being back here and being near my mom and closest friends. It's been wonderful.

--I am grateful for the chance I've had to take some time off. I've got enough money to survive until the end of January without a job...it's nice not to have a big ticking time bomb over my head. I have the freedom to take my time to find the right job.

--I am grateful for the things that will happen in the future. What I am speaking of in particular is the chance to get my own apartment. I've never lived by myself before and frankly I can't wait. I'm sure it will get lonely every once in awhile, but I am going to love having my own space and privacy. I have appreciated my mom welcoming me back to her home so willingly, but it will be nice to have a place to do with what I want.

--I am grateful for the chance I've had to reconnect with old friends, and make some new ones. It is such a big world out there and I can't believe how limited my view of it was before. I am excited to meet new people and see new perspectives.

--Most of all, I am grateful for all the support I've gotten the past couple of months. It's meant so much for everyone to offer what they could. I have been shown so much love and concern, which is something that was desperately needed and something I fear I won't ever be able to repay. I just hope you guys now how much it has meant to me to have you by my side.

I could probably ramble on for awhile, but there is a decent list. I had a great Thanksgiving holiday and am now looking forward to an exciting weekend. My mom and I went shopping tonight and I basically finished shopping for everyone on my list except for my sister. Not bad for a day after Thanksgiving. =) I hope all of you had a good day as well and were able to think of the ways your life has been blessed.

Sick

In Body, Mind, and Spirit. All of yesterday I felt totally nauseous and by 7pm, the puking began. I threw up several times, with different incidents lasting up until 1:30am. I also got almost no sleep since I was in pain all night. Today I haven't thrown up yet, but I still don't feel good. I've been laying in the livingroom, on the couch, watching tv or napping for the entire day. I just woke up from my latest nap, during which I had a terrible dream that I was moving out of the house I shared with my husband...only to realize that actually happened in real life.

I can feel myself sinking here. My energy is being drained. I think everything that's happened is finally starting to hit me and it's just making me sick in every way possible. I don't feel like showering or getting ready or going anywhere or eating or talking. I just feel like curling into a ball and trying to forget that I actually need to start making plans for this new life that I never imagined I would have.

Anyway, I just wanted to get that out...to vent, if you will. I haven't been able to find my wall charger for my phone since I got here, so I bought a car charger. Right now my phone is totally dead so if any of you call or text me, that's why I don't get back to you right away...although in my state of mind I might not get back to you right away anyway...

Boise

So we arrived in Boise on Saturday night and unloaded the truck. I've been slowly setting things up the past couple of days. My room is mostly put together. We got DirecTV installed yesterday and upgraded to wireless internet today (I'm finally able to use my laptop again!) so that's been good.

On Monday I hung out with my best friend Cheri, which was nice. She is very pregnant...about to go at any moment. Yesterday I was pretty lazy all day, just sat around the house and watched tv. Today I went out for a little shopping. I also stopped by the work place of an old friend of mine here. I was nervous about seeing this person, and apparently he was just as nervous to see me. It was pretty obvious he was a little uncomfortable and the whole conversation was a little weird...I didn't get what I wanted out of it at all. It's a really long story, but I guess I was just hoping for a few answers from him today and I didn't even get the chance to ask my questions. I hope we might be able to get together at a later time for a real chat, but I have a feeling that might not happen.

As far as my last post goes, my mom and I have reached a truce of sorts about that topic. She's not thrilled with my decision, but I can also start to follow my own path without feeling too guilty about it. I know that probably doesn't make sense to anyone who doesn't know the situation, but I'm still not ready to get into here.

I haven't talked to Ryan since Saturday. It's weird. It's not that I necessarily want to talk to him, it's just weird not to. I'm used to seeing him almost every day. This is just going to be a strange transition.

I guess that's about it for now. I haven't been looking for jobs or anything...just taking a little time off. I also haven't been writing though so I need to get on that. Now that my laptop is working with the internet, I will try to start as soon as possible.

The End

Right now I am lying on the floor of my bedroom after a restless night's sleep. I didn't have a bed (it's already loaded in the moving truck) so it's not all that comfortable. But that's kind of the least of my issues right now.

I feel like crying. My life has just turned into some kind of nightmare. It's just so unbelievable that this is my last morning in this house, ever. Yesterday was probably the last time I will ever see Ryan, face to face. Honestly, part of me feels like trying one more time to talk some sense into him, beg him to reconsider this whole thing...but then I wonder, is that because I really love him and don't want to be without him or because I am terrified of the future? If I answer truthfully, it is the latter. I know my future with Ryan. It would be easy. My future now is uncertain.

I feel like such a disappointment to everyone. I've already lived the majority of my life for other people...trying to be who I should be to make them happy. I feel like this is a time to start over and concentrate on making myself happy, but in doing that I am hurting others. This probably all sounds confusing if you don't know the circumstances, but I'm not ready to share quite yet. I'll just say I talked to my mom last night about some possible future plans and she was very upset...like crying upset. I don't want to let her down or cause friction in our relationship, yet when I relented and told her to forget everything I said and that I wouldn't do that, I just felt sick. I feel sick about it now. I really can't stand the idea of living for everyone else, yet I can't stand the feeling of being a let down.

Basically life just sucks right now.

The Letter

So here's the situation. Ryan and I divided up our credit card debt. He was going to transfer his share over to his own cards, but then he got turned down when he applied, so he was just going to send me the monthly payments for awhile until he could get one. Then he changed his mind and told me he would give me a check for the full amount because he boss was going to loan him the money. So yesterday he sent me a text saying he would give me the check but would want some kind of proof his share of the credit card debt had been paid, like a balance statement. I didn't want to tell him this, but I had decided that for the time being I was going to put that money into my savings account and just use it to pay the monthly balance for about two months while I took some time off and wrote. When he said that, I had to admit to him that I wasn't planning to put it towards the credit card debt right away. I told him I would sign something saying he'd given me the money. He said he would type it up...I figured it would be something like, "I, Samantha Goodrich, recieved $XXX from Ryan Goodrich on November 4, 2009 to cover his share of the credit card debt incurred in the course of our marriage." Instead, this is what he left me:

"On November 4 of 2009, I (Samantha E. Goodrich) received the total sum of $XXX from Ryan B. Goodrich. As this fulfills his fair and equitable portion of our marriage's credit card debt, which we both agreed upon, no additional recompense is required. My signature below indicates that I hold him under no further monetary obligations.

In signing this, I agree to the stipulation that I will not require or request additional monetary support (for bills, loans, alimony, etc.) or gift money from Ryan before or after the divorce is finalized as the money I have recieved from him will be kept in my savings account to ensure my own financial security until I find further work. Any gift or financial support money I recieve from Ryan will be of his own choice and conscience."

There are really no words for how hurtful this was. He makes me out to sound like some kind of gold digger, when really I was going to put the money in savings so that I wouldn't have to ask him for help financially later. He told me just a week before announcing his desire for a divorce that if he hadn't of married me, he probably wouldn't have made anything of himself in college and wouldn't have the good job he has now. Based on that comment alone, I should be entitled to some alimony since he is making a good salary and I won't have a job in Boise, but I wasn't planning to seek any kind of alimony. He just acts like he wants to erase all connections and obligations he ever felt towards me.

I can feel myself unraveling here...like I might just break at any moment. Two more days and I will be on my way to Idaho. Once I get there, I can just lay in bed for a few days and wallow but until then I have to keep up my strong front which is getting more and more difficult everyday.

Reconsidering

I find myself still thinking of ways I could get Ryan to reconsider the divorce...but its not because I can't picture my life without him, it's because I can't picture my life period. I am terrified of what the future holds for me now. I feels like with the end of my marriage, I have to reconsider every aspect of my life. Right now, I can't ever see myself wanting to get married again. And I can't even really imagine having to throw myself back into the dating pool. It also raises a lot of questions for me as to what to believe in now, but that's a whole other deep topic that I don't feel like getting into until things straighten out. The point is, everything I thought WAS, no longer IS. I have to reconsider my whole life and not having a plan is terrifying. I like to plan everything. I make plans for hypothetical scenarios. Now I have no plan. It would be easier to just stay with Ryan and continue my life how it was...do what is expected and have a family, don't question anything, try to be a good wife. That's not what I want to do, it's just the easy route. I just need some time out from life. I am looking forward to being in Boise by next Sunday and plan to spend a few days in bed, not once getting ready or leaving the house, just pondering my new place in life and trying to figure out who I am now.

Bad Feelings

I still can't get used to my wedding ring not being there. I took it off the night Ryan told me he wanted a divorce. To me, there was no point in keeping it on. Your wedding ring is supposed to be a symbol of your love and commitment to your spouse, and after that conversation with Ryan I realized he felt neither of those for me. So it's sitting in my jewelry box. I had it on 24/7 for almost three and a half years. Several times every day I find myself moving my fingers around, trying to fiddle with it just out of habit. When I find it's not there, it just makes me sad.

You know what else makes me sad? That I get the feeling that my life serves as a some kind of a sad story now. We went to my sister's in-laws house today and it just felt so awkward. I knew that everyone knew about the divorce but no one mentioned it. It's not that I want to talk about it, but at the same time I felt like maybe there's some secret whispered conversation going on about me behind the scenes. It's probably not true, but still not a good feeling to think your marriage serves as a warning story to others.

Cats

Since the beginning of our marriage, our cats have always been like our kids. We first got Charly from a local family in Rexburg. Phoebe joined the family about 5 months later, coming from the animal shelter. They have always brought us so much joy and have been fun to be around.

Just a couple of months ago, I decided I wanted to get a third cat. Most of you probably know how that turned out...we ended up adopting a brother and sister pair from the Draper Animal Shelter. We named them Lucy and Buster. We had a lot of trials and considered taking them back, but in the end decided to stick it out and I thought we were glad we did. When this whole divorce thing happened, we decided that I would take Charly and Phoebe with me to Boise, and Ryan would keep Lucy and Buster here.

Last night Ryan came back from a weekend at his parents house and announced that he had decided to take Lucy and Buster back to the shelter. His family has never been huge on pets so I am not surprised they talked him into doing it. His rationale was that it would be harder to sell the house with them here and harder to find an apartment to rent after the house sells. I knew right from the beginning that Ryan was going to do this exact thing for those exact reasons...I just had a feeling. He took them back this morning and I am incredibly sad about it. I'm not sure what's happening with Ryan. In two weeks, he is going to wake up and be all alone. I will be gone. The cats will be gone. No one will be left here to love him.

So, in memory of sweet Lucy and Buster, a moment of silence.

...

You will be missed guys and I sure pray that you are adopted soon by people who will take good care of you.

My Side of the Story

Tomorrow will mark the one week anniversary of my husband telling me that he wants a divorce. This was the most heart-breaking news I have ever gotten and have since begun a new path in life...one I never thought I would take. Soon I will be a single person again, an idea that scares the crap out of me. But I figured, why not turn a negative into a positive? So I decided to start a blog and chronicle this whole terrible journey of a divorce and all of the feelings that go into it. To start the blog, I figured I would do a day by day breakdown of this last week and the events that have gotten me to where I am now.

Sunday, October 11th: Certain things had always been missing from Ryan and I's relationship, from the beginning. The thing that was bothering me most at that moment was how unaffectionate he always seemed toward me. I never felt wanted or really loved by him. It had been giving me a growing sense of unease and I was feeling like I might just have to give that up to be married to him. After talking with my best friend though, I decided that I had the power to make my marriage what I wanted, so I sat Ryan down and talked to him. I told him what was bothering me and we set out a plan with certain goals that we could aim for to make things between us better. I started that week optimistic about my marriage...ready to change it for the better.

Thursday, October 15th: I had noticed that Ryan hadn't been any more affectionate towards me all week, so I brought it up when he got home from work. He told me it was because "he forgot" and then told me he was going to go to work to email himself something he forgot from his work computer. He was gone for two hours. I went to bed early, angry at him for abandoning me all night.

Friday, October 16th: That morning I wrote Ryan an email at work, saying that I felt like he was hiding something from me that could explain his behavior. Saying that I needed things to change and wanted to know why they weren't. He wrote me back and said he would talk to me when he got home that evening. So, I waited all day, very nervous about what was coming...I never expected what he told me. He got home from work early and sat me down, then proceeded to tell me that he didn't love me and he hadn't through most, if not all, of our marriage. He told me he wanted a divorce. I was in a state of complete shock. I left the house and just drove around...I went to a movie, tried some shopping, anything to avoid thinking. When I got home, we went to our separate bedrooms and didn't speak.

Saturday, October 17th: He went to his parents house. I stayed in town, but spent most of the day with my grandparents, aunt and uncle, and cousins...which helped a lot. I told them the story of what happened and no one else could believe it either. I was so confused. Where had this come from? I didn't understand why suddenly he decided he didn't want to be with me and had to get divorced as quickly as possible. He said he didn't want to try counseling. But he had set up an appointment the next day with the bishop, so I said I'd meet him there.

Sunday, October 18th: We met with the bishop. He pretty much gave the counsel I expected. All marriages have problems and we need to humble ourselves and try to work through them. Ryan had already made up his mind though, so meeting with the bishop made no difference. We got home and Ryan told me that yes, he still wanted a divorce. We started talking about dividing items and reached a stalemate.

Monday, October 19th: Monday was my lowest point. I was just so overwhelmed. Where had this come from? It hadn't been explained well. After a day spent arguing about division of assets and threatening to get lawyers, I just broke down. I cried harder than I ever have in my life...I'm just glad no one was around to see me. That evening I wrote him an email asking him why he was doing this. I said I wanted to work things out, that our marriage was more important than this. That night I got a reply from him. Apparently he thinks that to make himself right with the Lord again, he needs to leave me. He said he had felt the Spirit more of the past few days than he had in a long time. He felt peaceful and calm when he thought about getting divorced. He said I had hurt him and we had both changed over the course of our marriage into people he didn't like. He was going to go to the temple the next day and pray about whether or not to try to work things out.

Tuesday, October 20th: I decided to go to the temple as well. I had wanted to go on Monday, but the temple hours didn't coincide with my work. It helped. I know that I took part in the disintegration of our marriage, but I also knew that it wasn't any kind of an answer to get divorced. However, I had a feeling Ryan didn't see it that way and if he didn't, there wasn't anything I could do about it and I needed to make peace with that fact. He came out of his temple session that day apparently with a spiritual affirmation that we should not try counseling and should not try to change ourselves together. That night I went out with my cousin Holly, which was great to get away. On the way home though, I just had a feeling like I needed to talk to Ryan. When I got home I told him that I didn't agree with what he was doing but that I still loved him. If we were going to do this, we needed to be civil about it and show some respect for the three years we shared together. We needed to try to understand where the other person was coming from in terms of what they wanted in the divorce settlement. I wanted to get through it without having to use lawyers, and I wanted to get through it without hating him or becoming bitter. He agreed.

Wednesday, October 21st: We had reached a truce of sorts and were working together to resolve issues of division. He was being very accommodating to what I wanted...I'll give him credit for that. He presented me with a short list of items he wanted, all of which I agreed to, and said that I get everything else. We agreed who would take what car, who got which cats, and that he would take responsibility for the house and sell it himself. Ryan worked more on divorce papers and I think he is almost done.

Today: Today I am feeling more at peace with the situation. I feel like I have done everything I can to stop the divorce. I pleaded with him to give us a second chance and try counseling and he wouldn't do it. I feel like if I can at least leave the marriage knowing it wasn't my choice and knowing that I did what I could to stop it, then I can have a clear conscious and find peace. I still don't feel completely satisfied with his explanation of all of this. Something had to have set him off but I don't know what it was.

I can agree with Ryan that we have become different people. We got lazy and didn't make each other a priority. I did have trouble giving him control, but that was something we had discussed before and he knew I knew of the problem and was trying to work on it. I have been the only one through the course of the marriage to bring up issues between us that I was having problems with, the only one to try to find solutions and improve our relationship. Ryan would never bring up problems he had. Instead he apparently bottled them up until they exploded. Now he is convinced that he is doing the right thing, spiritually. I cannot believe that Heavenly Father would give anyone a confirmation that divorce is the right thing without first trying other possible avenues. There is no trying to get him to see my side. He is dead-set on divorce. Personally I think he has a tendency to flee situations when they get tough so instead of trying to change himself with me, he thinks it will solve all of his problems to split up.

This whole situation makes me incredibly sad. Sad to just give up on the past three years and sad to lose my eternal companion. I know this isn't the right thing to do but there's nothing I can do to change his mind. For now we have a general understanding. We have been able to agree to most every point for the divorce agreement. It's not so beyond horrible to be near him. I'm glad for that at least because I will be here for the next two weeks before I am able to move. I am going back to Boise to live with my mom. I'll be moving the weekend of November 6th and trying to start a new life for myself. I am scared about what the future holds for me. I know it is going to take a lot of time, reflection, and therapy to get over the rejection that I've felt from the person who I was supposed to share eternity with. There is nothing worse than hearing your husband tell you he doesn't love you and that no matter how hard he has tried he has not been able to muster those feelings...to hear him say that he is just tired, too tired to stay and fix things. It's the worst feeling in the world, but I have hope now that maybe things will be okay down the line and I have a feeling that at some point in the future Ryan will realize the severity of what he has done and he will come to regret this decision he has made.