Better Late Than Never

Okay, I'm finally doing my Thanksgiving post! I was planning to do one Thanksgiving day but I got in an anti-Thanksgiving mood, which strangely enough seems to happen every year, and then I got sick after a busy weekend. First I'll update about the holiday weekend and then fill ya in on what I am grateful for this year.

My sister, niece, and brother-in-law were supposed to be coming for the weekend, but because of inclement weather and some sickness over in Rexburg, they were unable to make the journey. I promised my mom we would still have a good time alone, which we managed to do, although we still would've loved their company. We ended up having dinner over at my nephew's mom's family's house (follow that? :)). Afterward, my mom and I went to see Unstoppable, which receives a thumbs up review. I snuck home early that night because I decided to head to Best Buy early in the morning to get my mom a Nook (the Barnes and Noble e-reader) that she'd been talking about wanting. So, I went home and slept for 3 hours, woke up at 1:30 and headed to Best Buy in lots and lots of layers at 2am. I ended up sitting in line for about 2 hours, but was able to get a ticket for the Nook, so I ran over to Target. I found a few good Black Friday items there, stood in a long line to buy them, then went to Kohl's. After a couple of purchases there, I went back to Best Buy to get my Nook. The Best Buy line was by far the longest and took me about 45 minutes. After that, I promptly drove home and slept for another 3 hours, after which I woke up, talked to Chris, then went back out with my mom for more shopping. :P The one good thing I can report is that I was able to get all of my Christmas shopping done in one day!! Well, all except for Chris but since I have a few extra weeks to get his gifts (we are having a late Christmas here when he visits) I am trying to wait to buy him things. Anyway, that night my mom and I took my nephew Zack and his cousin Skyler to the Festival of Trees, which was very pretty. Saturday we went to Harry Potter and then made out own little mini-Thanksgiving feast for ourselves at home, so we would get our favorites and have leftovers for turkey sandwiches! Sunday I started feeling a little sick, but I went to my mom's and brought my laptop...we spent the afternoon playing trivial pursuit with Chris. :)

By Sunday night I was starting to feel worse and it kept going downhill. I ended up taking almost the entire week off work (except for 4 hours on Friday, which nearly killed me.) I went to the doctor on Monday and she said I most likely had swine flu, which I am totally inclined to believe because of my symptoms and because I seriously hurt so bad I felt like dying. My wonderful mother took care of me from Monday night until Wednesday night, which helped A LOT! My symptoms have finally all faded to more of a bad cold level now so I am just having a weekend in bed, hoping to regain some energy before going back to work on Monday.

Now onto the list!:

1) I am grateful for Ryan! Yes, I did just want to start out with a shock there. :) But here's the thing, I was complaining to my mom the other day about how horrible he is and she told me that I shouldn't concentrate too much on the bad stuff of the divorce but instead be grateful because if it wasn't for that and for him being a giant twat (my word, not hers), I might have never met Chris. So, I am thankful to Ryan for the lessons that my mistakes with him taught me and for the fact that it led me to such a better life.

2) I am grateful for Chris! Of course he is really number one, but like I said, I wanted to start the list with a shock. Chris has changed me from a bitter post-divorce singleton who was determined to never depend on a man again, to someone who is completely sappy and can't possibly imagine life without having him by my side. Again on the sappy note, he makes me feel complete. We are perfect for each other in so many ways and I can't express how unbelievably lucky I am to have found him. I really don't know how I'm going to write wedding vows when that day comes because anytime I try to write things about him, it seems like the right words haven't been written yet....like no matter what I say, nothing will quite capture how completely and utterly I love him, because it feels like more than love. We are getting his visa paperwork in and I am so happy that the wheels to our future are finally turning. I know us being together is difficult for one side of our family or the other, as one of us will have to move for the other at different points, but I hope they can understand why. I wouldn't give up my family for anyone but him, because he is my family now. And I would follow him wherever he wanted to go...even back to Utah. :) (But I know he loves me enough that he'd never take me back there.)

3) I am grateful for my family. They're amazing. They are always there for me when I need them and I'm happy they are each in my life. Again, I know this Chris thing has been hard but their support means the world to me! Even if I live in another country, nothing would break the bonds I have with them.

4) I am grateful for Chris' family. They're amazing. Seriously. How many parents do you know that would support their child so much that they'd buy him an expensive plane ticket to another country for his birthday so he can visit his fiance? I'm still so grateful they did that and can't wait to see him. They keep amazing me with their acts of kindness and generosity. I would love them simply because of how good they've been to Chris, but I love them for who they are because they're great people. I worried that going to England and crashing a family vacation might be a bit awkward, but I'm glad I did it now because it gave me the opportunity to really get to know them, and love them.

5) I am grateful for my health!! After this last week, I have learned I need to take much better care of myself. Of course I was always "grateful for my health" but you never really know how much you should be until you feel like you're on death's doorstep. I have of course been saying I want to lose weight for awhile now, but honestly, after this week I just want to get healthier and losing weight should be an awesome side effect. I'm going to start eating better, cut out fast food, and try to start exercising as often as possible. Now I just need to get new batteries for my Wii balance board... :)

I could keep going but I know this is already super long. Plus Chris is probably going to be the only person to read it. :)

Countdown Clock

Countdown Clocks, Cute Countdowns at WishAFriend.com

Coming to America

Tonight I have some amazing news to share! As I think I explained, Chris and I weren't expecting the fiance visa to come through until probably April or May, so we were thinking we would be apart for the next 7 months or so. Well, his absolutely amazing parents made the offer to pay for a plane ticket for him to come visit and see the place he'd be moving to. :D So instead of having a wait time of 7 months to see my sweetheart again, it's now less than 7 weeks!! We have the ticket booked already. He will be arriving in Boise on January 7th around 11:30pm and staying until January 24th at 2pm. Over two weeks to spend together!! It's hard to convey how exciting this is! We are going to have a late Christmas and early Valentines while he is here and I can't wait. :) I'm also very excited for some of my family and friends to finally be able to meet him. It's going to be amazing! Unfortunately I will have to work a little bit while he is here...7 out of the 17 days. I still haven't earned a lot of vacation time after using it all to go to England, and since we are hoping I might get to go back there once more before he makes his permanent move, I want to save up as many hours as I can for that.

I really can't wait for him to come. I've been feeling lonely at nights for the past while...well, really since I got back from England and have been without him. My apartment feels empty, where it never did before. It will be nice to have a little more life between these walls.

My mom seems to be more on board with this whole Chris and I thing since my trip to England, so that's another piece of good news. We seem to be rebuilding our relationship lately, which was pretty damaged by my leaving the church. It's great to have her feel like a friend again, and feel like she is supportive of me. It was very stressful to feel like I was disappointing her all of the time. But now I think she sees how happy Chris has made me so she's happy for me. The other day she gave me a Christmas ornament with the letter "G" on it, for Grapes. :) It meant a lot for her to do something like that. Pretty much all of my family is on board with the wedding now as well, which is a big relief.

Oh, we also decided to put wedding plans on hold. I was getting way too stressed and involved in it, and in reality we can't really set an exact date until we get this visa stuff going. So we'll see what ends up happening. One thing we do know is that we want it to be a small ceremony and celebration here, so I'm just hoping no one gets offended if they aren't invited. :(

I guess that about covers my recent news. Thursday is Thanksgiving and my sister, brother-in-law, and niece were supposed to be coming, but it looks like that might not happen due to snow conditions. It's going to be very sad if they don't make it...it will just be my mom and I. But I promised her we would make it fun if it was just the two of us, and go do something to spoil ourselves like get massages. :)

And now, what you've all been waiting for....

...the trip update!! :) Well to sum it up, it was the best ten days of my life. I didn't have any doubts about the way things would be going into it and I was spot on. :) There was no awkwardness between us at all. Basically it felt like (well, feels like) we've been together forever, and when I got there it seemed like we were seeing each other again after an extended absence. Anyway, story time. :)

So I arrived Thursday morning, at about 11am London time. The flight arrived a little late so I was rushing to get to customs since I knew Chris would be waiting. They give you these things called "landing cards" to fill out on the plane and give to the customs agent. There was a question on there about the full address of where I would be staying while in the UK. I hadn't even thought to have Chris' address handy...big mistake. I asked a guy before I got in line about it and he said to write down Chris' phone number and it shouldn't be an issue. I did, but when I got up to the agent this was apparently a big problem. He began questioning me about why I came and why I didn't know my boyfriend's address. He wanted to see my return tickets, which I didn't have, so then he wanted to see a printed itinerary of my travel plans, which I also didn't have. It even got to the point of questioning me about who paid for my plane tickets and how much money I had in my savings account. :P At the end, the agent said he had every reason to just deny me entry and send me back to the States, but he would let me in. The guy was a gigantic jackass. And it was my second encounter with a very rude Londoner. Chris is adamant that the real bastards in England all live in London, and I'm inclined to believe him now.

Anyway, I finally got through customs and picked up my bag, then went to the arrivals gate to meet my boy. :) He was there waiting for me with a bouquet of red roses. We gave each other a hello kiss, which wasn't awkward at all. :) Once we got to the car, he presented me with a diet coke (which he knows is my drink of choice) and some cookies from a local bakery. We drove back to his house, and once we were settled, we made a trip to the store to get some supplies. We took it easy the rest of the day, so I could recover from the long journey, and that night Chris cooked me dinner. :) On Friday we went to the nearby city of Southhampton and wandered around their shopping center. Later that night we went to dinner with his mom, dad, sister, and sister's husband. It was awesome actually...I REALLY like his family...it seems I'm bound to get some good in-law's with this deal. :) They are all very nice and really fun.

Saturday was the proposal day! We went driving through New Forest, which is an area near Chris' hometown that is just beautiful. First we stopped in a little town called Burley and wandered through some shops, then we just went for a nice, relaxing drive through the countryside. The area had wild horses too!! They were everywhere, just grazing by the side of the road. :) Chris thought it was entertaining I was so excited by them, but that's not exactly something you see everyday in America. So we decided to park and go for a walk in one area with a nice lake. We stopped along the way and kissed, then he whispered in my ear "will you marry me?" and got the ring out of his pocket. The first thing I said was "what? no speech?" Haha! But of course I told him I was kidding and said yes. He explained that he didn't want to do a speech because then I would know what was coming and would just be waiting for it, which is a good point, so he decided just popping the question would be more of a surprise. So yes, we were engaged and on cloud nine! After that we made our way back to Chandlers Ford (his town) and stopped at the store for some supplies for a party we were having that night...we even got champagne to celebrate! :) A bunch of Chris' friends came over that night. We had pizza and played some poker. They were all great and I was happy I got to meet some of the people in Chris' life.

Sunday we drove down to Cornwall, which was about a five hour drive. We arrived there around 8pm and told his parents about the engagement soon after. They were surprised, but not shocked, if that makes sense. But they were great about it! His mom told us that she had been saving her grandmother's engagement ring for him too. :) So we are actually going to make a small repair to that and get it sized, then have that replace my current ring once he comes here early next year. I absolutely LOVE the idea of having a family ring. I just saw a picture of it the other day and it's beautiful, so I can't wait. :) And the next day, his parents got us "congratulations" gifts! It was so sweet. Sandy (his mom) bought me this beautiful, handcrafted necklace. I'm wearing it in a few of the pictures, including the ones where I have a bright pink shirt on. Anyway, we picked up his sister Mary from the train station that afternoon and had a wonderful dinner down by the harbor, which we were less than a mile from. It was a beautiful place and the house we stayed in was great. On Tuesday we went and toured an old, Victorian mansion, which was gorgeous. Wednesday we went to the Eden Project, which is the cool place with biomes with different environments like the rain forest. Thursday Chris and I just relaxed at the cottage and watched some movies together. We drove back to Chandlers Ford on Friday (which took 7 hours, thanks for numerous traffic jams) and Saturday we drove to London. The day was spent exploring the central city places like Picadilly Circus, Trafalgar Square, the Thames river, Big Ben, and the Houses of Parliament. To finish the day off, we wandered around the Victoria and Albert Museum, then headed back to our hotel for some room service.

Sunday was the day I left and it sucked. It's only been a week now but feels like we've been apart much longer. We made a plan for him to move here in (hopefully) April of this next year. We are going to be applying for a fiance visa in the next month. The one catch with a fiance visa is that you have to get married within 90 days of the fiance's entry into the country, so until we get the visa sorted and approved, we won't really be able to set a definitive date for the wedding. Originally we were going to just do a courthouse kind of thing here, but his parents said that they wanted to come for it so we've decided to do something nicer. It would be a bit of a waste for them to travel that far for a courthouse ceremony! Although with my almost-OCD like urge to plan everything ASAP, I am getting stressed with the wedding planning since we can't even narrow down the date yet. I'm trying to just calm down and find other things to concentrate on so we'll see how that goes. We are planning to eventually live in England for awhile, but after this trip I can see it will take a lot of adjustment! Their driving is just super confusing, with all the roundabouts and such. The metric system threw me and everything is smaller over there! They also have tons of different food over there, some of which Chris got me very addicted too...such as scotch eggs, a variety of cheeses, clotted cream, marmite, and cider. Yummm!! I've already been searching for places to find those kind of things here. :)

Well this entry is already super long so I better wrap it up. In summary, it was an absolutely amazing trip. I am sooooo happy I got to go. Before Chris, I didn't think I would ever want to get married again, and now here I am planning a wedding and I couldn't be happier about it. :) I know soul mate is kind of a cliche term these days, but I have no doubt that Chris is mine. There might be some cynicism about the wedding, since it's my second and since we haven't been together THAT long, but I hope when people see us together they will see how happy we are and be supportive. As my new maid-of-honor Cheri said today, "this is the one that counts." :)

What a Difference a Year Makes....

I was just thinking the other day how different my life was just one short year ago. I was in the midst of the divorce and getting ready to move back to Idaho. In fact, I have a blog about this very day one year ago:

Monday, October 19th: Monday was my lowest point. I was just so overwhelmed. Where had this come from? It hadn't been explained well. After a day spent arguing about division of assets and threatening to get lawyers, I just broke down. I cried harder than I ever have in my life...I'm just glad no one was around to see me. That evening I wrote him an email asking him why he was doing this. I said I wanted to work things out, that our marriage was more important than this. That night I got a reply from him. Apparently he thinks that to make himself right with the Lord again, he needs to leave me. He said he had felt the Spirit more of the past few days than he had in a long time. He felt peaceful and calm when he thought about getting divorced. He said I had hurt him and we had both changed over the course of our marriage into people he didn't like. He was going to go to the temple the next day and pray about whether or not to try to work things out.

It's funny how much things have changed for me, and in the BEST way possible. I am so much happier now, especially with who I am. I think I've grown a lot in this past year, and gotten to know myself better than I ever have before. I have stumbled a bit, but all and all it's been the best year of my life. At the point that I wrote the above entry, I couldn't imagine how things in my life would ever turn out for the better, but now I am so grateful for all of the trials I went through. I never would've dreamed that I would be heading back to England to spend 10 fantastic days with the absolute love of my life. :) I can't wait! And I am just soooooooo grateful for where I am now and for how I've grown this past year. It's kind of an awesomely fantastic way to celebrate the anniversary of one thing ending, by having an amazing new phase begin. I just wanted to express how truly grateful I am and in awe of life...it's such a gift. I'll sign out before I get too sappy, but stay tuned! I'll update with England details soon!! My trip starts tomorrow with a drive to Salt Lake at 6:30am, then flights to London through Thursday morning.

London Calling... (UPDATED)

Just had to do a quick update (and it's a little late, sorry) to tell y'all that I got my tickets to England!! Hooray!!! :D I am headed over to see my honey in less than three weeks and can't even convey how beyond excited I am! I leave on the 20th of October, arriving there the morning of the 21st. Then I get to enjoy ten whole days with the love of my life before coming home on the 31st. I'm flying out of SLC so I have to drive there, which is a shame but the cheapest and easiest option. We ended up getting tickets for about $740, which is pretty damn good. :) Chris' mom was amazing enough to let us put the flight on her card and pay her back over the next couple of months.

I'm really so super excited! We are going to spend the first weekend together around Eastleigh, and I'll get to meet all of his friends. Then on Monday we are off to Cornwall with his family for the week. On Friday we will head back to Eastleigh and Saturday morning we will go explore London for the day and stay there that night, with my flight departing the next morning. I'm pretty sure leaving is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done, but the fact that we will be reunited in January (instead of April) should at least serve as a small comfort.

Oh, and to those of you who requested a picture of Chris...I keep forgetting to ask his permission to post one. :P So I will check with him tomorrow and as long as it's fine, I'll add a couple pictures to this post then.

Speaking of pictures, I also promise plenty of pictures of England when I return! For those of you a bit anxious about the prospect of me traveling overseas alone (*cough* Monica *cough* ;)) I will of course be keeping in touch with family while there. Chris has offered me full use of his computer, as well as his cell phone, and international calling cards are quite easy to purchase there. My mother will also have all of his contact info. I only say this to put minds at ease...as for me, I don't have any single, solitary doubt that this trip will be one of the best of my life and I have absolutely no worries about it. :) I really do love this guy and can't wait to be able to see his house, friends, and family in person...and of course him, but no, I don't phrase it as I can't wait to meet him. We know each other so well at this point that it's just ridiculous to say we haven't met. We haven't touched, but we've met. (Wow, that's either my second or third rant about that on my blog...can you tell it's a touchy subject? ;)) Anywho, can't wait to give some updates. Keep an eye on Facebook as well since I'm sure I'll add some pictures there as I travel about. :D

And now for your viewing pleasure...a Chris slideshow! :)

Holla!

I'd like to take a moment to do a "public" shout out to Ms. Bethany Lyn Davis for being the only friend to leave a kind comment about my Chris post. I'm sure there are a lot of skeptics out there, and I can understand why. The fact that we haven't met yet seems to be a huge road block to everyone but us. ;) But in further news, it looks like it's a for sure thing that I'll be heading to England at the end of October. For awhile it was looking like it might not happen, but Chris is determined to get me there and says there is no "if" about it. So in the next couple of weeks, we will get tickets purchased. I am really soooo excited when I think about the reality of us finally being together in a few short weeks!! Plus I've got some awesome family visits planned for the next two weekends, which will make time pass quickly, then just two weekends to kill and I'm off to see the love of my life! :) The one thing I don't want to ponder too much is the leaving part. I'm not sure how I'm gonna drag myself away from Chris once we are finally together. The only consolation (and only reason I'll be able to leave) is that we've formed a new plan for the future! Instead of waiting until April to come out here, he is moving to Boise in January. We are both very excited about this!

I think one of the biggest reasons I'm looking forward to the England trip in October is that it will finally put people's minds at ease. They won't keep using the whole "not meeting" thing against us. ;) If I already covered this in my previous post, sorry, but it does feel very untrue to say I haven't met Chris. We basically talk all day, and we video chat usually each night, some mornings, and every weekend. I know him. He knows me. We just haven't been able to hug or hold hands yet.

For any of you who don't follow my movements on Facebook (ha, wow that sounds self-aggrandizing) I got a package from Chris a couple weeks ago. :) He included a bunch of my favorite snacks that I've been missing since my study abroad trip, plus a few new favorites (mmm...Jaffa Cakes.)

And here's a picture of the package contents:


Anywho, in other news, my sister, niece and grandparents are coming into town this weekend. I'm very excited! I haven't seen my grandparents in a long time and I always love seeing Taylor and Rikki. Taylor just gets cuter and cuter each time, and I can't get enough of hearing her call me Sassy. :) Should be a fun weekend. And next weekend my dad is coming. :) It'll be some nice family time for the next couple of weeks.

Chris

So I've been trying to figure out how to write this entry for the past couple of days. Do I just lay it all on the line, explain everything, knowing my family sometimes reads this blog? Or should I censor a few of the crazier details, saving them for a later date when they don't sound quite so mental? I still haven't come to a conclusion, to be honest, so I'm just going to start writing and see where it goes.

As I believe I've said on here before, I used to belong to a couple of dating websites. Well, I was growing tired of seeing the same guy's faces every time I logged in so one night I decided to change my "looking" location from 'near me' to 'anywhere.' Soon after this, I had a profile pop up as a match of a guy from England. I read his profile and it just seemed like we had similar personalities, so after viewing his pictures and deciding he was indeed very handsome, I decided to send him a random question and see if he'd respond. Low and behold, a couple of days later I got a message back. From that point we started emailing each other on a regular basis, with each email getting longer and longer. After a few days I suggested we try to chat online, which turned into video chatting. Basically, before I knew it, Chris and I were talking every possible minute of every day.

So there's kind of the bare bones facts of how we met and how it's progressed. I guess now is the time for deciding how much to say. Well, what the hell....I am insanely, absolutely, irrevocably in love with Christopher Richard Grapes. (And yes, Grapes is his real last name. ;)) I know that sounds crazy because we haven't technically met in person and because it's been just over a month that we've been talking, but I have absolutely no doubts that we are meant to be together. I've never felt like this about anyone before. He completes me (cheesy, I know, but still true). It's amazing how well you can get to know someone when you spend so much time just talking to them. ;) I say that for those of you thinking I don't even know the guy. To assuage a few more fears, I am planning a trip to England at the end of October so we can officially meet. After that, Chris is planning to travel to Idaho next April. We haven't quite worked things out yet with that trip, but it's looking more and more like it will be an indefinite stay.

That's my big news...plain and simple. If I was in your shoes, I would probably be thinking that I am crazy so I won't be upset if that's what is going through your mind right at this moment. :) But Chris and I are both sure that things with us will work out. We haven't decided details yet, but we are both willing to do the relocation thing to make it work.

I suppose that fills my crazy quotient for the night. If ya'll want to know anything else, feel free to leave me a comment with questions and I'll try to write a follow-up blog soon. I'm sure more random stuff will pop up along the way, and obviously I'll be blogging about my upcoming trip to England...so I just wanted to make everyone aware that Chris is going to be a standard fixture on stories of my life from here on out. :)

Big News to Come

Anyone who is Facebook friends with me may have noticed a few recent changes. :) I will try to write a blog to update ASAP...it's just going to be a long one so I've been procrastinating! I'll write soon. :) Hope all of you are well.

Running Away

I remember once, when I was about six or seven, gathering a little backpack of supplies and taking off down the street. I was going to run away. I'm sure I had my reasons, and I'm sure they were completely valid in my young mind. I believe I made it about four houses down before I sat on the curb and wondered how life would be if I abandoned my family. Would I join the circus, as you tend to believe all runaways do at that age? I couldn't see myself as the circus type. After swallowing my pride, I shuffled back home. I don't think anyone even noticed my attempt to change my life forever, which possibly made it worse.

Now I'm starting to wonder if the urge to run away ever leaves us. Today I've found myself wanting to be that seven year old again. Gather up a little suitcase with the necessary supplies, drive myself to the airport, and just disappear somewhere into the wild blue yonder. Would anyone notice this time? Would someone come and see my apartment, left just as if I had been fully intending to come home that night, to do the dishes and make my bed? I kind of love the image of my apartment being frozen in time that way. Of imagining people wondering where I'd gone to...if I'd finally gone to join the circus. The unfortunate thing is that at seven years old I fully believed I could run away and join this imaginary circus, the thing that really stopped me was a lack of desire to do so. Now at twenty-six, I know there isn't a circus with a vacancy just waiting for me. I know I have bills to pay...a job people expect me to show up for...cats that need taken care of. I can't just fly off on a foreign adventure. I need money. I need a passport. I need a place to stay. I wish I was seven again and didn't even consider those things...I'd just shoulder my backpack and start walking. Maybe this time I'd make it further than four houses down the road...

Privacy

I've decided to make my blog private. I'll wait about a week before I do it to give you guys time to let me know if you want to be added to the list of people still able to view it. :) Just leave me a comment on here with your email address and I'll put it on the list. Thanks guys!

Promise Ring

So I found out last night that Ryan has given his current girlfriend a promise ring, and the real thing "will be coming shortly." Not feeling too pleased over this. Trust me, it has nothing to do with jealousy. It has more to do with the fact that I'm still dealing with divorce aftermath (mostly feelings of anger) and he's easily moved forward. He's like the worst person in the world and he's still found someone willing to give her life to him. It makes me sick. And it makes me feel bad because I'm drowning in the dating world. I have yet to find someone that I really click with in that way. Besides, he told me several times that he wouldn't want to get married again for a long time. Of course he's a born liar so that shouldn't surprise me. :) Anyway, just wanted to complain here for a minute.

New Apartment

So these pictures don't quite do the place justice but this will give you an idea of what my new apartment looks like:

I finally got all the furniture delivered and/or set up so it is complete! Having my own place has been great. Tonight is really the first night I've been bored/lonely...thus why I decided to write a blog.

In other news, Tyler and I decided to take a step back. We are still friends and will probably still go on dates from time to time but we are going to date other people as well. As we got to know each other more, it became apparent that we wanted different things from life and had differing views on a lot of things. I'm not saying what one of us wanted was better than the other, they just didn't mesh so we thought this would be the best thing to do. I am feeling okay about the decision, other than the loneliness factor. I think the most important thing I need to do is find a way to survive without a guy in my life. I feel like I've pretty much been at least casually seeing someone almost since I moved back to Boise. It's almost like I feel that I need validation from men to feel worthwhile and I know there's something flawed with that thinking. So I am trying to go man-free for awhile and we'll see how it goes...

My job is going really well. They started me entering transcripts, which I love. It reminds me of my job at UVU so there's a certain comfort in the familiarity but it also keeps me busy all day which makes time pass more quickly. I've been becoming closer friends with the girls at my office, which has been great. I'm so lucky to have gotten a job at a place where I really like and get along with all of my co-workers. It's nice to feel like you are going to work with friends. :)

Other than that I don't have much news. I haven't talked to Ryan in a couple of months now and I think it's for the best. I have a strange compulsion to want to stay friends with my exes (I think I'm friends with almost all of them on Facebook =P) and I did want to do that with Ryan, but as time passed I realized it wasn't going to happen. Almost every time we talked, we got into a fight. I was still letting him make me feel bad about myself after we were divorced and it's not worth it so I'm just trying to keep up the will power to not contact him again.

So yeah, that's life in a nutshell. Since I started dating Tyler I hadn't been out to the clubs too much. This last week I went out twice, but I think I got it out of my system for awhile. Now I'm just trying to think of something fun to do for my 26th birthday which is less than a month away! I want to do something big as a way to put my 25th year of life (which was filled with a lot of bad) behind me. I was thinking sky diving or bungee jumping but they are both pretty pricey. I'd love to go to Vegas but there's no way I could afford it now with the apartment. So that leaves me the other option I was considering...a tattoo. I've thought about getting one since the separation but I was giving it time since that's not exactly a decision you want to rush into. I've decided a location (foot) and what I want so it seems like that might be the way to go...we'll see. Most likely I will just end up alone in my apartment all day. ;)

Guess that's it for now. Hope all is well with everyone!

Moving!!!

So I don't have a lot of extra time to write at the moment as I am supposed to be packing to move into my new apartment!! Woohoo!!! I go in to sign the lease tomorrow and will get everything moved over on Saturday. I simply can't wait!! It feels a little unreal since I've been camped out at my mom's house for so long. Anyway, I'll be posting pictures of my new abode as soon as I get everything set up. :) However, to hold you over, I made a little slideshow of pictures of Tyler and I from last week. It's a little cheesy with the hearts and all, but Tyler has gotten me into cheesy. :) Things are going really well with us, and I will post more about that later as well!

Happy days are here again!

So I've got some big updates to share! The first, for those of you who haven't already seen it on Facebook, is that I am a girlfriend to someone for the first time in about 4 years. :) His name is Tyler. We actually met through that dating site that I've mentioned on here. Tyler sent me a message and we started talking. We met for coffee a couple of days later and things have just progressed from there. He's 29 and he works for a TV station here as the Master Control Operator...basically he makes sure shows and commercials air properly. I've been to his work a couple of times and it's pretty cool. I got to sit in the studio while they did a live newscast, I got to sit behind the anchor desk, and I got to meet some of the pseudo famous Channel 6 personalities. (FYI, Don Nelson is usually wearing jeans, not dress pants! ;)) It's only been a few weeks but we really click. I've missed that feeling of actually wanting to be with someone all the time and having them feel that way about you too. I was pretty scared about getting into a relationship again because of all my emotional baggage from the past, but in the end I realized that if I let those fears run my life then I would lose out on a lot of great things. My instinct said to go for it, so I have. Tyler makes me really happy. Right now I'm just seeing where life takes us but so far, soooo good! :)

And my second piece of big news is that I will hopefully be moving into my own apartment on May 8th! I'm just waiting to get final word from the apartment management that my application was approved, which I'm hoping won't be a problem. It is a two-bedroom apartment in Meridian...about 10 minutes from my office, I believe. I really am so excited I can hardly contain myself! :) This will be my first place that is ALL MINE! It's going to be amazing. I will post pictures of the place once I get settled, but all y'all should keep your fingers crossed for me this weekend that I get approved!

Other than those two news items, it's pretty much same ol', same ol' around here. Last weekend I went to Rexburg to visit my sister and dad. It was a good time! My niece is just cuter and cuter every time I see her! And my nephew Zack rode there and back with me so we had some good bonding time. OH! And I got my nose pierced finally. No one in my family likes it, but Tyler and my friends do...and I do. I'll post a picture of it soon. :) It's really not a permanent thing anyway. I will probably leave it in for a year or two and that's it.

Anyway, I will write again soon with apartment and boy updates!

Here it goes...

So this is the blog that I have been putting off writing for several months, mostly because of my unease over how people would react, but since this is going to be a permanent change in my life I decided it was finally time to spread the word.

Basically, to sum it up, I've left the church...not officially but I've stopped attending meetings and doing other church related things. I'm not sure how to exactly explain why without offending people. My mother and sister are certain that I left because of my divorce, but that isn't really true. My divorce was the catalyst, but not the reason. Here's the story...

When my divorce started happening, I also started thinking about my place in the church. It just struck me that for the first time in my life, I was going to be independent and it was really my choice whether or not to go to church. After a lot of pondering, I realized that I had no desire to keep going and that my main motivation for being active throughout my life has been to please other people. When I was a teenager I went because I was supposed to, ya know? Then I went to a church college and got married in the temple...but you can ask Ryan, after we got married we hardly ever went to church even though we were "supposed to". We always had a hard time with doing the things we were supposed to, like reading scriptures or attending the temple on a regular basis. I always wondered why I had such a hard time doing the things I was supposed to or not doing the things I should stay away from. I think slowly I realized that I was tired of feeling like that...like all of the things I wanted to do or didn't want to do were bad. I realized that all of this guilt over church things wasn't doing me any good, and that it was guilt I was forcing on myself...not guilt that I was feeling from God.

To go back in time a bit, after my brother died some of you might remember I had a crisis of faith. At the time, I decided that God was much more forgiving than we gave him credit for. I decided that really all you needed to do was be a good person and be good to the people around you and things would be fine. Obviously I changed my mind later, but now I am back to thinking that. As far as my brother goes, I just can't believe that he was punished in the afterlife for the things he did here like the drugs. He already suffered enough on Earth because of his choices.

As far as my marriage goes, I also think that I rushed into it because of the church. I don't blame the fact that it fell apart on the church, but I can't help but feel it shares some blame in me making a reckless decision as far as who I chose to marry. Ryan was the first LDS guy that showed real interest in me in college, and he was someone that I was attracted to and liked. I think that was the main reason I rushed into things...I mean, he was LDS and I got "inspiration" from the Lord that he was the one for me so what else did I need? I don't know that this is true for everyone, but another couple of reasons I rushed into marrying Ryan was because we weren't allowed to have sex before marriage and that's something most people are eager to do, and at 22 I was making my way into Old Maid territory in the LDS World. I made a stupid decision in marrying Ryan after knowing him for about five months. If I had known him better beforehand, I probably wouldn't have married him to begin with. I also stayed in my marriage MUCH longer than I would have if we hadn't of been married in the temple. I was so unhappy through most of our marriage, but I didn't think of divorce as an option because our marriage was eternal. Even after Ryan told me he wanted a divorce, I wanted to work things out not because I still loved him but because I thought I was obligated to try to fix things because of our temple covenants. I think doing all of that just gave me a lot of mental trauma I would have been better off without.

I'm not sure how many other details I should go into here. Like I said, I don't want to offend anyone and I don't want to dis on the church. I know that most active LDS people are going to read this entry and feel sad for me, but please don't. Honestly, I am so much happier now. I don't have any self-imposed guilt. For the first time in my life, I am not so worried about when I die I might not make it to heaven. I feel like I can finally be myself and just have a real sense of freedom. I still believe in God but I don't think that I will ever be involved with organized religion again.

I wanted to share this with everyone because like I said before, it's not a temporary thing. I know this will be a decision that is permanent, at least for the foreseeable future. I hate to hurt my mom and sister, but at the same time I know now that I have to be true to myself and I couldn't do that while remaining active in the church. I hope that in time they will accept my decision and will still love me and support my decisions as much as they did before...I hope the same for all of my friends out there too. It's hard when you grow up LDS and later leave the church because pretty much your entire support system is made up of LDS people and this church is your life...when you leave it you sometimes feel a sense of isolation from your LDS friends and/or family. I hope that won't happen. Just please remember, I am still me, am still a good person, and am happier than I have been in a long time. =)

Yes, I suck...

...and I'm not afraid to admit it. ;) I apologize for my lack of blogging lately, I just never seem to make the time to do it but figured I'd give it a little attention today since I got off work early for an appointment.

So...what's new? Not much really. I'm still working at CWI and I really like it. I've gotten to know co-workers better and there are some amazing people there. :) I guess eventually I won't just be doing scheduling, I will also be helping with other Registrar tasks like transcripts, which is something I'm much more familiar with from my time at UVU.

My friend Shannon got a job as a "go-go dancer" (hate that term) for a club here in downtown Boise, so I'm usually tagging along with her there on Saturday nights. Honestly the novelty of that place is starting to wear off. The guys who go there are usually kind of scummy, but I really don't go for the guys anyway...I just go to dance, which I've gotten really into since I moved back here. It's good exercise and a lot of fun. I just have to get over my nerves because I usually don't like people looking at me!

And dating. Ahhh, dating. =P I think as of my last update, I had been dating someone. His name was Greg and he turned out to be a bit of a jerk (not to mention possibly gay...that's still being debated!) Anyway, I don't think it was too long after the last blog that he basically dumped me, saying he didn't think that we'd be good in the "long term". I agreed with him, but still didn't like getting a rejection right after the divorce! So since then I haven't really dated anyone in particular. I've joined a dating site a couple of times...yes, the same one. I keep deleting my profile and then rejoining once I get bored. ;) So I've talked to quite a few guys off of there, but no one too special.

It's very weird to be single...especially now that's it's been awhile since Ryan and I separated. I've always been more of a relationship person and I really don't like this dating around thing. I wish I could just find someone I click with and then I could stop all this online dating...not go clubbing so much...just be more of a homebody and enjoy time with that person. Of course it always seems like when you WANT a boyfriend, you never get one so I'm not holding out much hope.

Well, I guess it's time for the big confession. If you are very observant, I've been dropping hints about it since I left Utah. Basically I'm not active in the church anymore. I've had a blog written out since about December explaining why but I've been terrified to post it, worried about all of your reactions. I think for now, I will just leave it at this and if you guys want to hear more of an explanation of why or what my life has been like in that aspect, leave me a comment and I will write about it later. Just know that I am very happy and enjoying my life. No regrets. :)

Hope everyone is doing well!!

Pictures galore!!

So I will try to write an update this week but for now I figured I would deliver some promised photos!

This first slideshow is from my celebration weekend with Shannon. We went out and had some fun in honor of me being single again!

This second slideshow is actually just from this last weekend...just chronicling some of our fun times together!

IT'S OFFICIAL!!!

The divorce is final!!! It's felt like it's taken forever but I can finally put it behind me!! I'm going out tonight to CELEBRATE! It's a celebration that I plan to continue into the weekend. Hope to post pictures soon! YAY!!!!! =)

Party Girl

First off, I'm sorry for not posting in awhile. Believe me when I say that life has been a little crazy since my last entry! ;) Figured I would give a quick update on my job and then move onto other topics. I've been here for almost a month now and am really liking it. :) I have my own cubicle, which I've only decorated with a few photo's at this point, and I've gotten to know a few co-workers pretty well and think they are just awesome. It's a fun job and hope to stay here for awhile to come. :)

Anyway, there have been two big things taking up my time lately. The first is Shannon and our nights out together. Lately we've been seizing opportunities to go to clubs and such. The first we went to was at the beginning of January and it was China Blue downtown. That was kind of odd and I didn't like the guys hitting on me, but I guess it wasn't enough to put me off of it forever! We went to a bar in Nampa a couple of times because the guy Shannon was dating was DJing there. We've been to a place called the Bull's Head Pub a couple of times (we were there last night). And last weekend we went to a hookah bar, some 18+ dance club downtown, and to Cowgirls in Kuna with a few of my coworkers, which was awesome! It's been really fun actually. Once I get up enough courage to join Shannon on the dance floor, I'm pretty much always guaranteed a good time. :) We have now deemed Thursday nights as our night to go out and cut loose...although it is making Fridays at work pretty rough for me!!

Now the second reason I've been busy is that I'm dating somebody. :) I was going to wait until the divorce was finalized to write anything about it but the papers are at the courthouse and we're just waiting for them to be processed...plus Ryan already knows about it so I figured there's no reason to keep it a secret now. We've been dating/talking for about a month now. It's been good. :) We aren't officially an item or anything, but I can at least say on my end that I'm not dating anybody else. We spend every weekend together (he works during the week) and it's always a lot of fun. He's very understanding of my whole situation, which is nice. Anyway, I don't want to spill too much. He does know about my blog so I don't want him to come on here and find me spilling my guts about our situation. ;)

Well, I am being a little more proactive with my apartment search lately. I looked at two places yesterday. One seemed like a real possibility until I found out that they wanted a $200 non-refundable deposit per cat and needed them to be declawed. I'm going to look at a place after work tonight...it looks really nice but is in Caldwell so that's a definite con.

I guess that's about it for now. I will try to do a better job of updating from now on. :) Hope everyone had a good January and are having an even better February!

First Day

I figured I would write a quick entry to inform anyone who hadn't already heard from Facebook that I got the job I had interviewed for at the College of Western Idaho. =) I am now a "Records Specialist" in their Registrar's Office, but really what I will mostly be doing is scheduling of classes and events on campus. It's full time, pays pretty well, and has full benefits so it was a real blessing to get.

Anyway, today was my first day there. We had a college-wide meeting to start the day off so I got to hear the President of the college speak. After that, we headed back to the office and I pretty much spent the rest of my day working on spreadsheets. Right now I am just comparing two different spreadsheets of our databases to check for accuracy. It's not real exciting, but I still like the office. It definitely seems more laid back than my previous job (what? you can listen to music with headphones in both ears here??!) and the people seem pretty cool...hopefully we will all get along.

So, I will keep you all up to date of any new developments on the job front. I am hoping to get moved into my own apartment by the beginning of March so I've been looking around at possibilities and have found a few. I can't wait to get my own place...not that living with my mom has been bad, but having my own personal area will be great. =)

I have a few other updates but they would take awhile to explain and I'm needing to go to bed, so I will try to write again in a few days.

Predetermination

So on New Years Eve this year, I pretty much chilled at home by myself. I painted my nails and watched "Paranormal Activity." It was pretty fun...I've never really been a big New Years Eve person so a relaxing night was good for me. Anyway, just after midnight, my dad called me to say happy New Years and we got to talking. It was a really, really nice conversation. Sometimes my dad and I tend to just talk about what we've been doing for fun lately so it was a good change to talk about emotional stuff. Anyway, he gave me some really good advice, part of which was that I don't need to make decisions about what my life will be right now. I have time to figure things out and I shouldn't rush into anything.

I thought that was great advice because I realized that I have been doing that lately, predetermining what my life will be. I've basically already decided that I don't want to get married again and that I don't want kids. After talking to my dad, I realized that it is just foolish to try to make those kinds of decisions right now. Yeah, right now I'm not feeling the marriage vibe, but you never know what the future holds. I might meet my dream guy down the line and I don't want to have talked myself out of marriage at that point and say no just to say no. Same goes for kids...I'm not ready for them now but I will probably want them at some point. I'm only 25 and still have a lot of my life to live, so I guess you could say that I am making the resolution to be more open-minded regarding myself and my future. My natural inclination is to plan everything in my life, but I just don't need to do that and I am going to try my best to stop.

Another piece of 'Dad advice' (from my Christmas card) was to make 2010 the "Year of Sam" and I am going to do just that. I am going to seek my own happiness. I might find it in a surprising way, but I am going to be open to the opportunities that present themselves. I decided this was the time to put myself first and that I am going to spend the year spoiling myself. =) I just hope that the "Year of Sam" turns out better than the "Summer of George" did on Seinfeld!