Running Away

I remember once, when I was about six or seven, gathering a little backpack of supplies and taking off down the street. I was going to run away. I'm sure I had my reasons, and I'm sure they were completely valid in my young mind. I believe I made it about four houses down before I sat on the curb and wondered how life would be if I abandoned my family. Would I join the circus, as you tend to believe all runaways do at that age? I couldn't see myself as the circus type. After swallowing my pride, I shuffled back home. I don't think anyone even noticed my attempt to change my life forever, which possibly made it worse.

Now I'm starting to wonder if the urge to run away ever leaves us. Today I've found myself wanting to be that seven year old again. Gather up a little suitcase with the necessary supplies, drive myself to the airport, and just disappear somewhere into the wild blue yonder. Would anyone notice this time? Would someone come and see my apartment, left just as if I had been fully intending to come home that night, to do the dishes and make my bed? I kind of love the image of my apartment being frozen in time that way. Of imagining people wondering where I'd gone to...if I'd finally gone to join the circus. The unfortunate thing is that at seven years old I fully believed I could run away and join this imaginary circus, the thing that really stopped me was a lack of desire to do so. Now at twenty-six, I know there isn't a circus with a vacancy just waiting for me. I know I have bills to pay...a job people expect me to show up for...cats that need taken care of. I can't just fly off on a foreign adventure. I need money. I need a passport. I need a place to stay. I wish I was seven again and didn't even consider those things...I'd just shoulder my backpack and start walking. Maybe this time I'd make it further than four houses down the road...

Privacy

I've decided to make my blog private. I'll wait about a week before I do it to give you guys time to let me know if you want to be added to the list of people still able to view it. :) Just leave me a comment on here with your email address and I'll put it on the list. Thanks guys!

Promise Ring

So I found out last night that Ryan has given his current girlfriend a promise ring, and the real thing "will be coming shortly." Not feeling too pleased over this. Trust me, it has nothing to do with jealousy. It has more to do with the fact that I'm still dealing with divorce aftermath (mostly feelings of anger) and he's easily moved forward. He's like the worst person in the world and he's still found someone willing to give her life to him. It makes me sick. And it makes me feel bad because I'm drowning in the dating world. I have yet to find someone that I really click with in that way. Besides, he told me several times that he wouldn't want to get married again for a long time. Of course he's a born liar so that shouldn't surprise me. :) Anyway, just wanted to complain here for a minute.

New Apartment

So these pictures don't quite do the place justice but this will give you an idea of what my new apartment looks like:

I finally got all the furniture delivered and/or set up so it is complete! Having my own place has been great. Tonight is really the first night I've been bored/lonely...thus why I decided to write a blog.

In other news, Tyler and I decided to take a step back. We are still friends and will probably still go on dates from time to time but we are going to date other people as well. As we got to know each other more, it became apparent that we wanted different things from life and had differing views on a lot of things. I'm not saying what one of us wanted was better than the other, they just didn't mesh so we thought this would be the best thing to do. I am feeling okay about the decision, other than the loneliness factor. I think the most important thing I need to do is find a way to survive without a guy in my life. I feel like I've pretty much been at least casually seeing someone almost since I moved back to Boise. It's almost like I feel that I need validation from men to feel worthwhile and I know there's something flawed with that thinking. So I am trying to go man-free for awhile and we'll see how it goes...

My job is going really well. They started me entering transcripts, which I love. It reminds me of my job at UVU so there's a certain comfort in the familiarity but it also keeps me busy all day which makes time pass more quickly. I've been becoming closer friends with the girls at my office, which has been great. I'm so lucky to have gotten a job at a place where I really like and get along with all of my co-workers. It's nice to feel like you are going to work with friends. :)

Other than that I don't have much news. I haven't talked to Ryan in a couple of months now and I think it's for the best. I have a strange compulsion to want to stay friends with my exes (I think I'm friends with almost all of them on Facebook =P) and I did want to do that with Ryan, but as time passed I realized it wasn't going to happen. Almost every time we talked, we got into a fight. I was still letting him make me feel bad about myself after we were divorced and it's not worth it so I'm just trying to keep up the will power to not contact him again.

So yeah, that's life in a nutshell. Since I started dating Tyler I hadn't been out to the clubs too much. This last week I went out twice, but I think I got it out of my system for awhile. Now I'm just trying to think of something fun to do for my 26th birthday which is less than a month away! I want to do something big as a way to put my 25th year of life (which was filled with a lot of bad) behind me. I was thinking sky diving or bungee jumping but they are both pretty pricey. I'd love to go to Vegas but there's no way I could afford it now with the apartment. So that leaves me the other option I was considering...a tattoo. I've thought about getting one since the separation but I was giving it time since that's not exactly a decision you want to rush into. I've decided a location (foot) and what I want so it seems like that might be the way to go...we'll see. Most likely I will just end up alone in my apartment all day. ;)

Guess that's it for now. Hope all is well with everyone!

Moving!!!

So I don't have a lot of extra time to write at the moment as I am supposed to be packing to move into my new apartment!! Woohoo!!! I go in to sign the lease tomorrow and will get everything moved over on Saturday. I simply can't wait!! It feels a little unreal since I've been camped out at my mom's house for so long. Anyway, I'll be posting pictures of my new abode as soon as I get everything set up. :) However, to hold you over, I made a little slideshow of pictures of Tyler and I from last week. It's a little cheesy with the hearts and all, but Tyler has gotten me into cheesy. :) Things are going really well with us, and I will post more about that later as well!

Happy days are here again!

So I've got some big updates to share! The first, for those of you who haven't already seen it on Facebook, is that I am a girlfriend to someone for the first time in about 4 years. :) His name is Tyler. We actually met through that dating site that I've mentioned on here. Tyler sent me a message and we started talking. We met for coffee a couple of days later and things have just progressed from there. He's 29 and he works for a TV station here as the Master Control Operator...basically he makes sure shows and commercials air properly. I've been to his work a couple of times and it's pretty cool. I got to sit in the studio while they did a live newscast, I got to sit behind the anchor desk, and I got to meet some of the pseudo famous Channel 6 personalities. (FYI, Don Nelson is usually wearing jeans, not dress pants! ;)) It's only been a few weeks but we really click. I've missed that feeling of actually wanting to be with someone all the time and having them feel that way about you too. I was pretty scared about getting into a relationship again because of all my emotional baggage from the past, but in the end I realized that if I let those fears run my life then I would lose out on a lot of great things. My instinct said to go for it, so I have. Tyler makes me really happy. Right now I'm just seeing where life takes us but so far, soooo good! :)

And my second piece of big news is that I will hopefully be moving into my own apartment on May 8th! I'm just waiting to get final word from the apartment management that my application was approved, which I'm hoping won't be a problem. It is a two-bedroom apartment in Meridian...about 10 minutes from my office, I believe. I really am so excited I can hardly contain myself! :) This will be my first place that is ALL MINE! It's going to be amazing. I will post pictures of the place once I get settled, but all y'all should keep your fingers crossed for me this weekend that I get approved!

Other than those two news items, it's pretty much same ol', same ol' around here. Last weekend I went to Rexburg to visit my sister and dad. It was a good time! My niece is just cuter and cuter every time I see her! And my nephew Zack rode there and back with me so we had some good bonding time. OH! And I got my nose pierced finally. No one in my family likes it, but Tyler and my friends do...and I do. I'll post a picture of it soon. :) It's really not a permanent thing anyway. I will probably leave it in for a year or two and that's it.

Anyway, I will write again soon with apartment and boy updates!

Here it goes...

So this is the blog that I have been putting off writing for several months, mostly because of my unease over how people would react, but since this is going to be a permanent change in my life I decided it was finally time to spread the word.

Basically, to sum it up, I've left the church...not officially but I've stopped attending meetings and doing other church related things. I'm not sure how to exactly explain why without offending people. My mother and sister are certain that I left because of my divorce, but that isn't really true. My divorce was the catalyst, but not the reason. Here's the story...

When my divorce started happening, I also started thinking about my place in the church. It just struck me that for the first time in my life, I was going to be independent and it was really my choice whether or not to go to church. After a lot of pondering, I realized that I had no desire to keep going and that my main motivation for being active throughout my life has been to please other people. When I was a teenager I went because I was supposed to, ya know? Then I went to a church college and got married in the temple...but you can ask Ryan, after we got married we hardly ever went to church even though we were "supposed to". We always had a hard time with doing the things we were supposed to, like reading scriptures or attending the temple on a regular basis. I always wondered why I had such a hard time doing the things I was supposed to or not doing the things I should stay away from. I think slowly I realized that I was tired of feeling like that...like all of the things I wanted to do or didn't want to do were bad. I realized that all of this guilt over church things wasn't doing me any good, and that it was guilt I was forcing on myself...not guilt that I was feeling from God.

To go back in time a bit, after my brother died some of you might remember I had a crisis of faith. At the time, I decided that God was much more forgiving than we gave him credit for. I decided that really all you needed to do was be a good person and be good to the people around you and things would be fine. Obviously I changed my mind later, but now I am back to thinking that. As far as my brother goes, I just can't believe that he was punished in the afterlife for the things he did here like the drugs. He already suffered enough on Earth because of his choices.

As far as my marriage goes, I also think that I rushed into it because of the church. I don't blame the fact that it fell apart on the church, but I can't help but feel it shares some blame in me making a reckless decision as far as who I chose to marry. Ryan was the first LDS guy that showed real interest in me in college, and he was someone that I was attracted to and liked. I think that was the main reason I rushed into things...I mean, he was LDS and I got "inspiration" from the Lord that he was the one for me so what else did I need? I don't know that this is true for everyone, but another couple of reasons I rushed into marrying Ryan was because we weren't allowed to have sex before marriage and that's something most people are eager to do, and at 22 I was making my way into Old Maid territory in the LDS World. I made a stupid decision in marrying Ryan after knowing him for about five months. If I had known him better beforehand, I probably wouldn't have married him to begin with. I also stayed in my marriage MUCH longer than I would have if we hadn't of been married in the temple. I was so unhappy through most of our marriage, but I didn't think of divorce as an option because our marriage was eternal. Even after Ryan told me he wanted a divorce, I wanted to work things out not because I still loved him but because I thought I was obligated to try to fix things because of our temple covenants. I think doing all of that just gave me a lot of mental trauma I would have been better off without.

I'm not sure how many other details I should go into here. Like I said, I don't want to offend anyone and I don't want to dis on the church. I know that most active LDS people are going to read this entry and feel sad for me, but please don't. Honestly, I am so much happier now. I don't have any self-imposed guilt. For the first time in my life, I am not so worried about when I die I might not make it to heaven. I feel like I can finally be myself and just have a real sense of freedom. I still believe in God but I don't think that I will ever be involved with organized religion again.

I wanted to share this with everyone because like I said before, it's not a temporary thing. I know this will be a decision that is permanent, at least for the foreseeable future. I hate to hurt my mom and sister, but at the same time I know now that I have to be true to myself and I couldn't do that while remaining active in the church. I hope that in time they will accept my decision and will still love me and support my decisions as much as they did before...I hope the same for all of my friends out there too. It's hard when you grow up LDS and later leave the church because pretty much your entire support system is made up of LDS people and this church is your life...when you leave it you sometimes feel a sense of isolation from your LDS friends and/or family. I hope that won't happen. Just please remember, I am still me, am still a good person, and am happier than I have been in a long time. =)