Beauty is only skin deep...

That’s a saying we hear all the time, but do we really believe it? We live in such a superficial society these days. I’ve spent the past couple of nights watching episodes of Nip/Tuck, which has made me ponder on this subject. The lengths that people go to in order to fit the world’s standards of beauty are somewhat disgusting, and very sad.

Pretty much the majority of my life I’ve been overweight. I know what it’s like to feel ugly, trust me. I’ve been stuck in an cycle of feeling bad about myself and then using food to help cover that pain. I’m definitely an emotional eater. I spent almost every single day of my past serious relationship feeling bad about myself because my partner never complimented me, never made me feel wanted. By the time that ended, I was left having periods of time where I just thought no one could ever love me. Not only because of my weight, but also because of my personality, who I was. Even at the start of Chris and I’s relationship, I remember having nights of just crying in bed, telling myself that as soon as he actually meets me or gets to know me better, he’s going to leave me because I don’t deserve love and I didn’t deserve him. That kind of damage is a hard thing to overcome, especially taking into consideration the many, many years before that relationship where I felt unattractive and unwanted.

I’ve wished I could get plastic surgery in the past. The quick fix, you know? If only I was skinnier, things would be so much easier and I’d be happy. I know you are probably wondering why I didn’t just diet and start exercising. The answer is complicated, and not one I’m sure I want to get into as it would probably take a lot of time and psychological explanation to cover.

What I wanted to say though, is that now, with Chris, I feel whole. I don’t want plastic surgery anymore. I don’t feel like I don’t deserve love. I don’t look in the mirror and hate what I see. Chris makes me feel beautiful everyday. He compliments me everyday. He tells me he loves me everyday. He’s helped heal me. Although I still would like to lose weight, it’s not like it was before. I know that Chris loves me at my current weight, and he will love me should I go up or down on the scale by 20 pounds. My wish is that everyone finds somebody who can do that for them in this life, because trying to find happiness and fulfillment by chasing society’s standard of beauty will never make you happy. You have to learn to love yourself, and with Chris’ help, I’ve done that. And I owe him more than I can say.