Beauty is only skin deep...

That’s a saying we hear all the time, but do we really believe it? We live in such a superficial society these days. I’ve spent the past couple of nights watching episodes of Nip/Tuck, which has made me ponder on this subject. The lengths that people go to in order to fit the world’s standards of beauty are somewhat disgusting, and very sad.

Pretty much the majority of my life I’ve been overweight. I know what it’s like to feel ugly, trust me. I’ve been stuck in an cycle of feeling bad about myself and then using food to help cover that pain. I’m definitely an emotional eater. I spent almost every single day of my past serious relationship feeling bad about myself because my partner never complimented me, never made me feel wanted. By the time that ended, I was left having periods of time where I just thought no one could ever love me. Not only because of my weight, but also because of my personality, who I was. Even at the start of Chris and I’s relationship, I remember having nights of just crying in bed, telling myself that as soon as he actually meets me or gets to know me better, he’s going to leave me because I don’t deserve love and I didn’t deserve him. That kind of damage is a hard thing to overcome, especially taking into consideration the many, many years before that relationship where I felt unattractive and unwanted.

I’ve wished I could get plastic surgery in the past. The quick fix, you know? If only I was skinnier, things would be so much easier and I’d be happy. I know you are probably wondering why I didn’t just diet and start exercising. The answer is complicated, and not one I’m sure I want to get into as it would probably take a lot of time and psychological explanation to cover.

What I wanted to say though, is that now, with Chris, I feel whole. I don’t want plastic surgery anymore. I don’t feel like I don’t deserve love. I don’t look in the mirror and hate what I see. Chris makes me feel beautiful everyday. He compliments me everyday. He tells me he loves me everyday. He’s helped heal me. Although I still would like to lose weight, it’s not like it was before. I know that Chris loves me at my current weight, and he will love me should I go up or down on the scale by 20 pounds. My wish is that everyone finds somebody who can do that for them in this life, because trying to find happiness and fulfillment by chasing society’s standard of beauty will never make you happy. You have to learn to love yourself, and with Chris’ help, I’ve done that. And I owe him more than I can say.

Mother England

Since I was young I always daydreamed about going on an adventure and moving to Europe. I’m sure that’s not a rare dream, by any means, but what I never really expected was for that dream to become a reality. Now, with my upcoming plans to exchange vows with a pure-bred English gent, I could realistically move there. I could raise kids there, who would call me mum and talk in cute accents. I could take a weekend train up to Scotland and buy all the yummy cheese (for cheap!) that I can handle! It seems like a fantasy, and lately I’ve become more and more enraptured by it. I can’t help imagining what my future would be like if we moved to England. The only real trouble is my family.

They don’t want me to go. Basically everyone has told me that I “can’t”. In fact, it’s almost turned into a kind of game with my mom. Anytime I mention something positive about England, she has to immediately tell me something negative. I’m aware of the negatives, the biggest of which would be leaving my family. However, I’d make it a priority to come and visit hopefully at least once a year. When my kids are older, I’d want to send them to Grandma’s for part of the summer. And we live in the age of Skype! Yes, it’s not as good as face-to-face contact…it can’t be, but it’s better than nothing. The way I see it, either my family or Chris’ is going to be the “away family”. There’s no getting around that. Neither one of them are going to relocate to where the other is. So I want to make the decision based on what is best for both Chris and I, and our future. If that’s England, I hope my family will learn to be as accepting as his has been about him moving here for me.

I’ve had a couple of friends move to the UK for a guy, one to England and one to Scotland. Neither have liked it. One moved back, forcing her husband to return to the US as well and leave his family, after she’d agreed to go there and they’d gone through the whole visa process for her (can you sense my annoyance?). The other is kind of stuck there and isn’t happy about it. I asked the one who moved back here what she didn’t like about Scotland. She told me it was basically just the culture clash. Everything was different, and she didn’t feel welcomed by a couple members of her husband’s family. I’m aware it’s going to be a big culture shock. When I was in England in October and Chris and I went to the grocery store for items to make my lasagne recipe, I was very easily frustrated. They didn’t have the brands I knew, I couldn’t explain to Chris exactly what I needed so he could tell me where it was, and all the measurements were different!! But I know that if I’m prepared for that situation ahead of time, it will hopefully be less of a headache…and I also know that’s something that won’t last forever. Eventually I will get their system down. As for non-welcoming in-laws, I’m not worried about that either. Yes, I’ve only gotten to really be around them for a couple of weeks, but I have no concerns about the family I am inheriting. The way I see it, Chris is my soul mate, which means his family is too.

Mostly I’m not scared about moving to England because I have Chris, plain and simple. I’d follow him anywhere. I know as long as we are together, I can put up with the rest of it. When I get lonely, he’ll be there to comfort me. When I get frustrated with measurements, he’ll be there to figure out conversions. So although we haven’t decided anything yet, and we won’t for another few years, I’m not ruling out moving to England. I just have to hope my family and friends won’t hate me if I do.

NOA2 - One Week Later

(I copy and pasted this entry from Chris and I's shared blog, which will explain at least the first paragraph. :) I don't want to share the address to the new blog with the world at large, so if you want a link to it let me know and I'll email it to you. Thanks!)


Chris and I have spent the past week going back and forth about who needed to write this blog update. I said he did because his posts are much more entertaining than mine; he has more of a flair for words, which is, frankly, kind of annoying since I have a degree in creative writing. ;) His opinion was that I needed to write it, mostly because he’s already written more entries on here than I have. I tried to stand my ground for the past week, but it’s finally become apparent that he won’t give in and write it. So here it goes, my attempt to be as entertaining in an entry as Chris!

One week ago today, we received the news that our petition for a fiance visa was approved by the USCIS! I had spent about an hour that night researching information about the visa, and I had a funny feeling that that day could be the day. When I logged into the USCIS website, I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw the words “post-decision activity” under our status. As Chris and I often do, we had a video chat still going even though Chris had gone to sleep. I tried yelling at him several times, even tried annoying him with the ringing noise from another messenger service, but nothing shook him from his sleep. I was so excited to share the news!! But after a few attempts of annoying him, I gave up and decided to just spread the news to my family and friends via Facebook, text, and email. I called my mom and was bawling (tears of joy, of course), telling her the news. Chris finally woke up a couple of hours later and I was able to tell him. It almost seemed like a dream. It feels like it’s been AGES since we submitted our petition. In reality, it was almost four months to the day since it had been received. But our long unsure wait is over!

According to Chris’ timeline in his very first post on here, we are now at step 3 (shown here as step 1). As a refresher, this is what we still have to do:

1. Once petition is approved, the actual visa application process is started.
2. Wait.
3. Have medical check.
4. Have interview.
5. Get approved (hopefully!)

We should hopefully be getting a date for the interview in the next week or two, which will give us a much more concrete idea of when the visa will be approved. From what we’ve read, it shouldn’t be more than 2-3 months now.

I think that the excitement of this news is lost on some people. When I first started saying the petition had been approved, it was understandably confusing to some. I got comments on Facebook about how they thought that meant Chris would actually be coming here and it was sad that wasn’t the case. Personally I took that as a bit of raining on my parade. Unless you’ve been in this situation, where you’ve been waiting for four very long months just to get word of whether or not your vision of the future has a possibility of happening…well, you just can’t understand the excitement of moving to the next step in that scenario. No, Chris can’t come right now. Yes, we still have a few months ahead of us. But the important thing is it’s moving forward! And we will have more concrete dates to work with now, rather than guessing when something may happen.

All in all, Chris and I couldn’t be happier! We figured late May would be the latest the petition would get approved so we are a month ahead of schedule. We should be able to keep our wedding date (September 23rd) now, and hopefully be able to stick to the plan of having him come out in August.



*Disclaimer: “knock on wood” about this entire blog post and it’s statements regarding dates when things should happen.

Days of Scream

Watching Scream was one of my first openly rebellious act against my mother. I remember I was eleven years old when the first Scream came out. I begged my mom to let me see it, but of course she said no. Being as clever as I am, I decided I simply had to bide my time. Once it was on video I asked my dad if we could see it while I was at his house for the weekend. He said yes, and the rest is history!

I fell in love with Scream immediately. I’m not sure why exactly…maybe it was partly because of the small thrill I got out of doing something bad or maybe it was because of the excitement of seeing my first real scary movie, but Scream has led to a life long love of the horror genre. Yes, there are lots of horrible scary movies, I’m the first to admit, but it’s for that very reason that finding a good one gives me a real feeling of accomplishment, like I’ve found a diamond in the rough.

But back to Scream! It’s influence on my life has been somewhat extensive. Pretty much anyone who knows me well knows that I love the series. I own all three movies on both VHS and DVD, as well as owning all three soundtracks. I started writing a horror screenplay at age 12, with the original intent of trying to write what might be a first scene for the next Scream movie and then seeing how close I was to the actual opening. My mom and sister convinced me to turn that scene into it’s own story and, to date, it is the only writing project of length that I’ve ever completed…although completed might be the wrong word, since it still needs some major revision. My first (and current) email address is woodsborogirl, after to fictional town of Woodsboro that Scream is set in. I dressed up as Sidney Prescott for Halloween a few times. I even used to have the goal of watching Scream 100 times before I turned 16; I kept a little tally paper inside the VHS sleeve so I could track it. I never reached that lofty goal, but I do still remember sitting in my bedroom, the little TV flickering those familiar images, while I ate Jiffy Pop and drank root beer in an homage to the movie.

Scream connected with me in a way no other movie has, so as you can imagine, my excitement for a new installment in my beloved series is very high. I remember taking the afternoon off of school my senior year to see Scream 3. Now, 10 years later, I will be taking the afternoon off of work to be one of the first to see Scream 4. I don’t really expect the same kind of magic I experienced 15 years ago when I saw the first, but something that reminds me of it would be nice.

Paul McKenna

So about a month or so ago my mom told me she was trying to find a book about weight loss that included hypnosis. I kind of just rolled my eyes and said "yeah, okay...good luck finding it." But when I went to her house on Wednesday last week, it had arrived in the mail. I still rolled my eyes but took the book and figured what the heck. I'd been doing Weight Watchers for about 2 weeks prior to this and had only lost 2 pounds, so I figured McKenna deserved a shot...especially once I saw he was British! :)

I read the whole book on Friday night. It's pretty short and I was done within 2-3 hours. It set forward a simple guide for eating, along with suggestions of how to overcome common problems like emotional eating, which I am totally guilty of. I also listened to the hypnosis CD that night. It's about 25 minutes long, and McKenna has a sexy voice so I don't mind listening to it (haha).

I am supposed to listen to the CD every night for two weeks, and refrain from weighing myself until then. However, I've been following his system for four days now and I can already tell you I love it! No more eye rolling from me! I haven't been mindlessly snacking, or had my usual overwhelming cravings for sweet things. Best of all, he's somehow hypnotized me into not hating exercise! :) He presents exercise as being simple things you can add to your routine, even just trying to take 2000 more steps every day. So Saturday my mom and I went and wandered the mall (I couldn't believe I could count that as exercise), then on Sunday we took a walk to a nearby park. Yesterday I did about an hour of cleaning after work and today I walked to a nearby fast food place to grab lunch, rather than driving. I am also eating so much less but not suffering! I really can't believe it. I don't know for sure what the scales will show next Friday, but I love how this is making me feel and I think I'm going to stick with it, rather than going back to Weight Watchers. Yes, I am a hypnosis convert.

Here is a very basic summary of the program...his four "golden rules" to follow:

1. When you are hungry, EAT.
2. EAT WHAT YOU WANT, not what you think you should.
3. Eat CONSCIOUSLY and enjoy every mouthful.
4. When you think you are full, STOP eating.

Simple as that! Of course there is more to it but that's the core. It also really focuses on turning your negative feelings towards yourself, food, and exercise into positive feelings that will help you reach your goal, rather than undermining your progress. Yes, I'm only four days in so you may want to wait until you hear some real results, but I would definitely recommend this book to anyone trying to lose weight! Thanks Paul McKenna! (yes, I know that sounded really corny :))

A link if you want to check out another summary for the book:
http://www.amazon.com/Can-Make-You-Thin-Revolutionary/dp/1402765711/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1302061075&sr=8-1

Oh dear....

....I've gone far too long without blogging and now have much too much to write about! I have the urge to keep procrastinating, but I'll give it my best shot.

So in January, Chris finally made it over to the U.S. for his first ever visit! And lucky him, he got to see the Paris of America...Boise, ID. ;) He seemed to enjoy it though and is excited about the move. It was funny to see how enraptured he was by the mountains. I never really thought about the fact that they don't have any big mountains over there. I think it will be great fun in the summer when I can take him exploring in the woods, maybe even go camping for a couple of days. The trip went by far too quickly, but he was able to meet all of my family. My dad and his wife Ginger flew from New Mexico so they could meet him, and my sister and niece came from Rexburg for the weekend. What a great family I have! I think they all wanted to be able to approve of him before we make the commitment of him moving here...haha. But the good news is they all did approve! And I got lots of comments about how we seem good together, which was nice to hear. I also got my new (and permanent) engagement ring while he was here. :) It's a family heirloom, belonging to his great grandmother. It took some getting used to just because of the size difference from my first ring, but I absolutely LOVE it. We also had a late Christmas together and coincidentally bought each other some similar things, including books and penguin stuff! :) We have a little inside thing about penguins...it's from Never Been Kissed. Perhaps you remember when the girl calls David Arquette her "penguin" because penguins mate for life? Well, I told Chris about that when we started dating and since then, we've referred to each other as "my penguin." So corny you gagged a little? :) Yes, it is corny but with Chris, I absolutely love the corn.

So after Chris returned to England, I went into a funk for awhile...ignoring all cleaning responsibilities and basically being lazy and unproductive. I've snapped out of it since, and am back to my normal level of laziness! ;) I got the sweetest Valentine's gifts from him too. He sent a beautiful bouquet of purple roses and a HUGE stuffed animal puppy to my office. I later got a package from him which included lots of my favorite candies and chips that can only be acquired in England. He's the best. :)

No visa news yet. We are currently going with the theory of "a watched pot never boils." Normally we both check the USCIS website daily to see if our status has changed, but we both agreed to wait a week before looking again and are keeping our fingers crossed for a miracle! Chris probably won't be able to move out here until the beginning of August either way, but we are hoping to get things approved soon so he has plenty of time to do the interview in London before moving time arrives.

And as far as wedding news...well, it's been interesting! I'd be really curious to see if any other couple in the history of the world has rescheduled their wedding as many times as we did! :) The good news is we FINALLY got a FINAL date picked. It is going to be September 23rd. We are hoping the weather will still be nice enough then for an outdoor ceremony. I didn't want to get married in August (given my last anniversary was in that month) and we wanted to make sure we had a date far enough out (but not too far) that we wouldn't be stressed over the visa not going through by then. We've also gone through lots of changes as far as planning the event goes. For about a week, we were going extravagant. There was a beautiful building downtown that we wanted to rent, then we were going to have a catered meal, a DJ, the whole shebang! But then I had a bit of an epiphany (thanks in part to my mother) that it's kind of ridiculous to spend thousands of dollars on a reception. So, we have decided to keep things small and intimate...strictly family and very close friends. Even the family portion is being cut down to immediate family plus grandparents. Our guest list right now is 28...haha. We are going to do a ceremony at Kathryn Albertson Park in downtown Boise, followed later by a nice dinner at the Cottonwood Grille. I'm actually really looking forward to doing things this way! We save a lot of money, but we still have the most important people there with us. It will be more special and intimate this way, and something to remember. Plus, oh my goodness, it's going to save me soooo much stress!! I'm a major planner by nature so I was obsessing over little details and it wasn't healthy for me. Now I don't have that much to plan out! Oh, and we got an AWESOME photographer that I'm soooo excited to work with! We are planning to send out wedding announcements to everyone after the wedding, with those pictures.

I was going to attach some photo's of Chris' trip but I'm too lazy at the moment. They are all on Facebook so go there. ;) If you don't have Facebook and really want to see them, leave me a comment...if I get a few requests for that then I'll go through the trouble of putting them on here too.

Anyway, I guess that kind of sums it up for now. Still chugging along in the same job, living at the same apartment, doing mostly the same thing everyday. Sometimes it feels like I'm waiting for my life to start, you know? Like this is just a waiting period until Chris gets here and then life can begin. I'm trying to see it as a last opportunity to go out whenever I want to and things like that, but honestly I'd give up those kind of perks to have him here in a second. Still, gotta look on the bright side.

Better Late Than Never

Okay, I'm finally doing my Thanksgiving post! I was planning to do one Thanksgiving day but I got in an anti-Thanksgiving mood, which strangely enough seems to happen every year, and then I got sick after a busy weekend. First I'll update about the holiday weekend and then fill ya in on what I am grateful for this year.

My sister, niece, and brother-in-law were supposed to be coming for the weekend, but because of inclement weather and some sickness over in Rexburg, they were unable to make the journey. I promised my mom we would still have a good time alone, which we managed to do, although we still would've loved their company. We ended up having dinner over at my nephew's mom's family's house (follow that? :)). Afterward, my mom and I went to see Unstoppable, which receives a thumbs up review. I snuck home early that night because I decided to head to Best Buy early in the morning to get my mom a Nook (the Barnes and Noble e-reader) that she'd been talking about wanting. So, I went home and slept for 3 hours, woke up at 1:30 and headed to Best Buy in lots and lots of layers at 2am. I ended up sitting in line for about 2 hours, but was able to get a ticket for the Nook, so I ran over to Target. I found a few good Black Friday items there, stood in a long line to buy them, then went to Kohl's. After a couple of purchases there, I went back to Best Buy to get my Nook. The Best Buy line was by far the longest and took me about 45 minutes. After that, I promptly drove home and slept for another 3 hours, after which I woke up, talked to Chris, then went back out with my mom for more shopping. :P The one good thing I can report is that I was able to get all of my Christmas shopping done in one day!! Well, all except for Chris but since I have a few extra weeks to get his gifts (we are having a late Christmas here when he visits) I am trying to wait to buy him things. Anyway, that night my mom and I took my nephew Zack and his cousin Skyler to the Festival of Trees, which was very pretty. Saturday we went to Harry Potter and then made out own little mini-Thanksgiving feast for ourselves at home, so we would get our favorites and have leftovers for turkey sandwiches! Sunday I started feeling a little sick, but I went to my mom's and brought my laptop...we spent the afternoon playing trivial pursuit with Chris. :)

By Sunday night I was starting to feel worse and it kept going downhill. I ended up taking almost the entire week off work (except for 4 hours on Friday, which nearly killed me.) I went to the doctor on Monday and she said I most likely had swine flu, which I am totally inclined to believe because of my symptoms and because I seriously hurt so bad I felt like dying. My wonderful mother took care of me from Monday night until Wednesday night, which helped A LOT! My symptoms have finally all faded to more of a bad cold level now so I am just having a weekend in bed, hoping to regain some energy before going back to work on Monday.

Now onto the list!:

1) I am grateful for Ryan! Yes, I did just want to start out with a shock there. :) But here's the thing, I was complaining to my mom the other day about how horrible he is and she told me that I shouldn't concentrate too much on the bad stuff of the divorce but instead be grateful because if it wasn't for that and for him being a giant twat (my word, not hers), I might have never met Chris. So, I am thankful to Ryan for the lessons that my mistakes with him taught me and for the fact that it led me to such a better life.

2) I am grateful for Chris! Of course he is really number one, but like I said, I wanted to start the list with a shock. Chris has changed me from a bitter post-divorce singleton who was determined to never depend on a man again, to someone who is completely sappy and can't possibly imagine life without having him by my side. Again on the sappy note, he makes me feel complete. We are perfect for each other in so many ways and I can't express how unbelievably lucky I am to have found him. I really don't know how I'm going to write wedding vows when that day comes because anytime I try to write things about him, it seems like the right words haven't been written yet....like no matter what I say, nothing will quite capture how completely and utterly I love him, because it feels like more than love. We are getting his visa paperwork in and I am so happy that the wheels to our future are finally turning. I know us being together is difficult for one side of our family or the other, as one of us will have to move for the other at different points, but I hope they can understand why. I wouldn't give up my family for anyone but him, because he is my family now. And I would follow him wherever he wanted to go...even back to Utah. :) (But I know he loves me enough that he'd never take me back there.)

3) I am grateful for my family. They're amazing. They are always there for me when I need them and I'm happy they are each in my life. Again, I know this Chris thing has been hard but their support means the world to me! Even if I live in another country, nothing would break the bonds I have with them.

4) I am grateful for Chris' family. They're amazing. Seriously. How many parents do you know that would support their child so much that they'd buy him an expensive plane ticket to another country for his birthday so he can visit his fiance? I'm still so grateful they did that and can't wait to see him. They keep amazing me with their acts of kindness and generosity. I would love them simply because of how good they've been to Chris, but I love them for who they are because they're great people. I worried that going to England and crashing a family vacation might be a bit awkward, but I'm glad I did it now because it gave me the opportunity to really get to know them, and love them.

5) I am grateful for my health!! After this last week, I have learned I need to take much better care of myself. Of course I was always "grateful for my health" but you never really know how much you should be until you feel like you're on death's doorstep. I have of course been saying I want to lose weight for awhile now, but honestly, after this week I just want to get healthier and losing weight should be an awesome side effect. I'm going to start eating better, cut out fast food, and try to start exercising as often as possible. Now I just need to get new batteries for my Wii balance board... :)

I could keep going but I know this is already super long. Plus Chris is probably going to be the only person to read it. :)