Christmas

I thought I would start out with a little slideshow of my niece and nephew from this holiday. =) I don't really have much news to go along with this posting. We mostly just hung out around the house...did a little after holiday shopping; I spent too much money but got a couple of really hot dresses so it's okay. ;) We went out to dinner a couple of times but didn't see any movies since having a 13 month old around isn't conducive to that. But it was great to have Rikki, Drue, and Taylor here and nice to spend some time with them. I hope everyone else had a a great Christmas!!

Never Again...

So lately I've felt myself becoming a little more bitter again. I am trying not to because I don't want to be that person, but I also can't help wondering to myself why in the heck Ryan married me if he was having doubts about it beforehand? Seriously. I gained like 60 pounds, lost 3+ years of my life, ended up getting a useless degree because I never thought I would actually use it, and racked up about $20k in debts I wouldn't have otherwise had (with the new car and student loans). I just don't know how he thought he was doing me any favors.

I don't think I will ever get married again. My mom is adamant that I will change my mind about that at some point, but I'm not so sure. Really, why bother? Even just a serious relationship...I don't think I will get involved in one of those for quite a while either. I'm learning you should only rely on yourself to create happiness and when you start depending on someone else to do that for you, nothing but trouble comes from it. I guess I'm just cynical about romance right now, and beg all my married friends not to hate me for writing all of this. =)

In other matters, I haven't heard from the psycho texter since my last blog entry. The cheating husband has sent me a couple of texts since then but I've just ignored him. I made another friend named Kyle who I've hung out with in the past week, but we are just friends. So, really no new boy news and I'm kind of hoping to keep it that way!

I still haven't heard back from the job, which is starting to make me a little nervous. But they did say that they were just hoping to have made the decision by the time they leave for holiday break, which means they have until Wednesday of this next week to contact me. *fingers crossed!!* I would really like the job and have already found a nice townhouse in Nampa for pretty cheap that I could rent, so it would work out well. More than anything, I just want to know their choice for sure because then I can put in more effort to looking elsewhere.

This has been a really boring week. I am finally to the point where I am going crazy being cooped up in the house all day, so I'll be really happy to get a job. My sister and her husband and daughter will be here on Wednesday so I am looking forward to having them around. =) It should be a fun holiday and I am really going to try to focus on the positive things in my life because I know there are plenty. Anyway, I hope all of my blog readers have a WONDERFUL Christmas and will post some updates for me to read after!

Psycho Alert!

Oh man, I'm laughing already...I can tell this will be a fun post. =) So remember Boy #2 that I described to y'all yesterday? Well, he's progressed to the point of being a psycho stalker now. After he was so very rude about my pictures, I stopped texting him. However, he went into work shortly after that so I guess he figured that was the reason I wasn't writing him. I went to bed early last night and when I woke up, I had the following five messages waiting for me...I am presenting them as they were written even though some of them make me want to throw up:

10:29pm - "What!! Did you think I forgot about you? Mmmm I still want to taste those lips they look irresistable mmm" (I KNOW! GAG!! Hahahaha)

10:55pm - "Baby if you don't feel like meeting me yet thats fine but you can at least text me and get to know more"

11:13pm - "Fine then i wont text you anymore I am a very sweet guy and so romantic hope u dont miss this chance to get to know me I Hate U"

12:01am - "U sleeping ? Baby"

12:31am - "Good night Princess"


I really couldn't believe it when I read those. He says he hates me and then proceeds to call me by two pet names? Seriously, crazy. But I hadn't gotten any messages from him by the time I went to my interview at 11am so I thought maybe he had gotten the hint. Nope...


11:20am - "Hello beautiful"

11:37am - "Are u just making me me wait? ?? ?"

12:06pm - Texted a photo of a red rose.

12:28pm - "Mmmm big eyes WOW your a very beautiful gal Your lips look so tasty" (GAG again)

12:40pm - "Hi sorry for bothering you Sweetie im gona still be waiting for your reply i dont care if it takes months for you to finally feel comfortable to text me i want you to know that you are a very beautiful gorgeous pretty girl i'll keep on texting you once every day so you dont forget bout me haha Sweet kisses Muah"


I have really just been laughing my ass off at him! He is really crazy. The weirdest thing is that he is very attractive (if the pictures he sent me are really him) so I have absolutely no idea why he is so obsessed with me, a girl he has never met, really knows nothing about, and whom he told needs to lose weight. Really? I mean come on, really? From the sounds of it, I might have a long term stalker on my hands. He hasn't texted me since the last message so I'll wait and see if he makes good on his promise. If so, I think I'll just have to block him through Alltel. I am just glad he doesn't really know anything about me...particularly a last name or address because he might just be crazy enough to come kill me in the night.

OH here's a fun idea for my blog readers...let's take a psycho poll. We will introduce a Boy #3 at this point and you can tell me if you think Boy #3 is more or less crazy than Boy #2, the psycho texter. Boy #3 was a guy I met almost four years ago at the Sundance Film Festival when a roommate and I went down there. He stopped me on the street and talked to me for a minute. He was working so I figured he was just trying to promote his product but then he asked for my number and said we should hang out sometime. The problem was he lived in Utah and I was in Rexburg going to school. I gave him my number though and he called a couple of times, but I told him I would rather email with him at the time so we could get to know each other that way. Things fizzled quickly and I hadn't heard from him until this last Thanksgiving. Out of nowhere he sent me an IM on Yahoo saying happy thanksgiving. At that point, I added him as a friend on facebook. So on Monday we talked on Yahoo Messenger for about an hour. He told me he is living in Kentucky now and is getting divorced. He offered to buy me a plane ticket to come out and visit him. I asked if he was serious and he said "as a heart attack" and claimed he always regretted not getting to know me way back when. He then offered to come to Boise instead of me going there, if I preferred. Well, I did a little research and have come to the conclusion that I think he is lying about the divorce. When I asked him what the waiting period for a divorce in KY was, he said that it was 6 months to a year when a child was involved (he has a daughter). But I looked that up later and it's actually 60 days, even with a child. Also, on his Facebook account he is still listed as married to his wife and they are still friends. He also posted some pictures on his account only a week ago which included her. Just a really weird situation I don't want to get involved in, so I have been avoiding him too.

So which is crazier? The texter or the cheating husband? And how am I attracting so many weirdos? Am I some kind of dirtbag magnet? I hope not. I'm deleting my myspace account today so I'm hoping this prevents future problems. =)

In a quick side note, I had an interview for a job today that is pretty similar to what I was doing at UVU. I think it went pretty well and I will hopefully hear by next week. =)

Boys suck

So a couple of weeks ago I decided to restart my MySpace account, which I had canceled when I got married. MySpace, much more than Facebook, seems to be about meeting new people so I figured maybe it would be a good thing for me to try. Not so. I've talked to a few guys on there, mostly casually, but a couple I got to know pretty well.

Boy #1 was the first guy I really met and talked to on MySpace after I started my account. He seemed to fit the type I usually go for. He seemed like a good guy...cute, funny, sweet. There were three or four nights that we talked for several hours, staying awake until 3am just chatting. It was really nice. We met in person about a week after we started talking online, but then it seemed like after we hung out he started acting a little weird...wonder why? He started taking forever to respond to texts or instant messages and seemed like he was avoiding hanging out again. I wasn't clear on the reason either. I had sent him an unflattering picture of myself before we even hung out so he knew that I was overweight and his response was "weight is something you can change." But honestly, I can't think of many other reasons for his change in behavior than the fact that he didn't like what he saw. So now I am in a waiting game with him. I talked to him briefly on AIM last night but that's been it for the past several days.

Boy #2 messaged me out of the blue on MySpace and we talked a little before he requested my phone number so we could text. I gave it to him. That was only yesterday. By today he was telling me how much he liked me and how I was "so beautiful". My first reaction to that? Why and what do you want from me? Boy #1 usually said I was "cute"...I can understand cute and believe he was being sincere when he said it. Maybe it's low self esteem but when a guy calls me "beautiful" it's just hard to swallow. So I sent Boy #2 the same unflattering pics I had sent Boy #1 so he would be totally aware of the not-so-good body I have these days. Boy #2's response? He wanted me to send him new full body shots since those were taken awhile ago and said that I need to lose some weight and gave me diet tips. Goodbye Boy #2.

So these experiences have lead me to the conclusion that I need to delete my MySpace account. Nothing but trouble has come from both situations. I really was starting to like Boy #1 but he suddenly changed his tune, and if it was because I wasn't as pretty as he was expecting...well, that just sucks. I don't know what to do about him so the situation will remain unresolved. As for Boy #2? That was just a beating on my self esteem that I didn't need.

The problem right now is that I have a lot of trust issues with guys. I think I have started expecting that they will lie to me. I caught a third boy in a lie and immediately wrote him off. Boy #1 and #2? I was always looking for things they said that might be lies...particularly Boy #2. Why did he act like he liked me so much? What could he want from me? Was he the type that purposefully went after heavier girls because it was easier to get what they wanted from them through flattery? I couldn't help but think those things and it didn't make me feel any better...it made me feel worse, obviously.

I feel like going out and buying a Marie Calendar's pie and eating the whole thing myself. =P

Uncertainty

So I told myself that I would start looking for a job, more seriously anyway, at the beginning of December. Yesterday I found a job at BSU for an "administrative assistant" and since BSU is a public university, I had to apply for the job through the state website. I didn't even meet the minimum qualifications for the position! How sad is that? I was answering no to experience questions left and right.

People keep asking me what my goals are or what kind of job I want. To be honest, I have no idea. I've considered going back to school to maybe get a Master's degree but I don't know what I'd go into. I really just have no clue what I want to do with my life and I'm not really sure how to figure it out...

I guess the problem is, what I'd really like to do is something in the publishing industry, like editing or something, but if I want to stay in Boise that isn't very realistic. *sigh* If anybody has some advice on this situation, I'd love to hear it! Right now I am really regretting not getting a more useful degree or giving this any real thought but I never imagined I'd be in a position where I had to support myself...I was hoping to be done working within the year and just be a full-time mom so this is a whole new life I have to plan here and it seems like a lot of pressure.

But let's end on a happy note...despite these issues of job searching, I am still loving life. I'm really happy, more than I have been in a long time...possibly ever. I've reconnected with some old friends here and have loved seeing them. I've made a new friend who is bringing out an interesting side of me...haha. =) Basically, it's just been a great ride and I'm hoping it will continue!

Thanksgiving

So I have a bright new outlook on life now. My last entry was kind of depressing...and really that was a depressing week with everything crushing down on me, but since then I have had a change in attitude. When I wrote the last entry, I was kind of dreading Thanksgiving because I felt like I had nothing to be grateful for but now I can see the opposite is true. So in no particular order, here are the things in my life that I am grateful to have.

--I am grateful for a second chance. I feel like my marriage to Ryan was something that was rushed into, probably for the wrong reasons. I'm not saying I will ever get married again but if I do, I will at least have learned from this experience and will be able to make the right choice for the right reasons later in my life.

--I am grateful for a return of self esteem. I don't want to rag on him, but there used to be a lot of stuff that I did that Ryan would complain about. Because of that, and other factors, my self esteem plummeted during my marriage. Almost two months after all of this started, I feel like I am myself again. I never really felt comfortable or like I could really be who I was with Ryan. Now I am able to do that and am beginning to love myself again and feel comfortable in my own skin.

--I am grateful for freedom. That might sound terrible, but I absolutely love not having to answer to anyone now. I don't have to explain myself for purchases I make. I don't have to be responsible for someone else's meals or clean clothes or whatever. I only have to worry about myself and don't have to be accountable to someone. I am loving that.

--I am grateful for a new outlook on life. Certain things have changed for me since the divorce. It has been a welcome change. Frankly, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders now. I can be who I am and don't have to do things just to please others. (Again, this is one of those comments that might not make total sense if you don't know the situation, but I promise I will explain soon.)

--I am grateful to be in Boise. I LOVE Boise. It is my home, and always will be. I am loving being back here and being near my mom and closest friends. It's been wonderful.

--I am grateful for the chance I've had to take some time off. I've got enough money to survive until the end of January without a job...it's nice not to have a big ticking time bomb over my head. I have the freedom to take my time to find the right job.

--I am grateful for the things that will happen in the future. What I am speaking of in particular is the chance to get my own apartment. I've never lived by myself before and frankly I can't wait. I'm sure it will get lonely every once in awhile, but I am going to love having my own space and privacy. I have appreciated my mom welcoming me back to her home so willingly, but it will be nice to have a place to do with what I want.

--I am grateful for the chance I've had to reconnect with old friends, and make some new ones. It is such a big world out there and I can't believe how limited my view of it was before. I am excited to meet new people and see new perspectives.

--Most of all, I am grateful for all the support I've gotten the past couple of months. It's meant so much for everyone to offer what they could. I have been shown so much love and concern, which is something that was desperately needed and something I fear I won't ever be able to repay. I just hope you guys now how much it has meant to me to have you by my side.

I could probably ramble on for awhile, but there is a decent list. I had a great Thanksgiving holiday and am now looking forward to an exciting weekend. My mom and I went shopping tonight and I basically finished shopping for everyone on my list except for my sister. Not bad for a day after Thanksgiving. =) I hope all of you had a good day as well and were able to think of the ways your life has been blessed.

Sick

In Body, Mind, and Spirit. All of yesterday I felt totally nauseous and by 7pm, the puking began. I threw up several times, with different incidents lasting up until 1:30am. I also got almost no sleep since I was in pain all night. Today I haven't thrown up yet, but I still don't feel good. I've been laying in the livingroom, on the couch, watching tv or napping for the entire day. I just woke up from my latest nap, during which I had a terrible dream that I was moving out of the house I shared with my husband...only to realize that actually happened in real life.

I can feel myself sinking here. My energy is being drained. I think everything that's happened is finally starting to hit me and it's just making me sick in every way possible. I don't feel like showering or getting ready or going anywhere or eating or talking. I just feel like curling into a ball and trying to forget that I actually need to start making plans for this new life that I never imagined I would have.

Anyway, I just wanted to get that out...to vent, if you will. I haven't been able to find my wall charger for my phone since I got here, so I bought a car charger. Right now my phone is totally dead so if any of you call or text me, that's why I don't get back to you right away...although in my state of mind I might not get back to you right away anyway...