The End

Right now I am lying on the floor of my bedroom after a restless night's sleep. I didn't have a bed (it's already loaded in the moving truck) so it's not all that comfortable. But that's kind of the least of my issues right now.

I feel like crying. My life has just turned into some kind of nightmare. It's just so unbelievable that this is my last morning in this house, ever. Yesterday was probably the last time I will ever see Ryan, face to face. Honestly, part of me feels like trying one more time to talk some sense into him, beg him to reconsider this whole thing...but then I wonder, is that because I really love him and don't want to be without him or because I am terrified of the future? If I answer truthfully, it is the latter. I know my future with Ryan. It would be easy. My future now is uncertain.

I feel like such a disappointment to everyone. I've already lived the majority of my life for other people...trying to be who I should be to make them happy. I feel like this is a time to start over and concentrate on making myself happy, but in doing that I am hurting others. This probably all sounds confusing if you don't know the circumstances, but I'm not ready to share quite yet. I'll just say I talked to my mom last night about some possible future plans and she was very upset...like crying upset. I don't want to let her down or cause friction in our relationship, yet when I relented and told her to forget everything I said and that I wouldn't do that, I just felt sick. I feel sick about it now. I really can't stand the idea of living for everyone else, yet I can't stand the feeling of being a let down.

Basically life just sucks right now.