Reconsidering

I find myself still thinking of ways I could get Ryan to reconsider the divorce...but its not because I can't picture my life without him, it's because I can't picture my life period. I am terrified of what the future holds for me now. I feels like with the end of my marriage, I have to reconsider every aspect of my life. Right now, I can't ever see myself wanting to get married again. And I can't even really imagine having to throw myself back into the dating pool. It also raises a lot of questions for me as to what to believe in now, but that's a whole other deep topic that I don't feel like getting into until things straighten out. The point is, everything I thought WAS, no longer IS. I have to reconsider my whole life and not having a plan is terrifying. I like to plan everything. I make plans for hypothetical scenarios. Now I have no plan. It would be easier to just stay with Ryan and continue my life how it was...do what is expected and have a family, don't question anything, try to be a good wife. That's not what I want to do, it's just the easy route. I just need some time out from life. I am looking forward to being in Boise by next Sunday and plan to spend a few days in bed, not once getting ready or leaving the house, just pondering my new place in life and trying to figure out who I am now.