Uncertainty

So I told myself that I would start looking for a job, more seriously anyway, at the beginning of December. Yesterday I found a job at BSU for an "administrative assistant" and since BSU is a public university, I had to apply for the job through the state website. I didn't even meet the minimum qualifications for the position! How sad is that? I was answering no to experience questions left and right.

People keep asking me what my goals are or what kind of job I want. To be honest, I have no idea. I've considered going back to school to maybe get a Master's degree but I don't know what I'd go into. I really just have no clue what I want to do with my life and I'm not really sure how to figure it out...

I guess the problem is, what I'd really like to do is something in the publishing industry, like editing or something, but if I want to stay in Boise that isn't very realistic. *sigh* If anybody has some advice on this situation, I'd love to hear it! Right now I am really regretting not getting a more useful degree or giving this any real thought but I never imagined I'd be in a position where I had to support myself...I was hoping to be done working within the year and just be a full-time mom so this is a whole new life I have to plan here and it seems like a lot of pressure.

But let's end on a happy note...despite these issues of job searching, I am still loving life. I'm really happy, more than I have been in a long time...possibly ever. I've reconnected with some old friends here and have loved seeing them. I've made a new friend who is bringing out an interesting side of me...haha. =) Basically, it's just been a great ride and I'm hoping it will continue!

Thanksgiving

So I have a bright new outlook on life now. My last entry was kind of depressing...and really that was a depressing week with everything crushing down on me, but since then I have had a change in attitude. When I wrote the last entry, I was kind of dreading Thanksgiving because I felt like I had nothing to be grateful for but now I can see the opposite is true. So in no particular order, here are the things in my life that I am grateful to have.

--I am grateful for a second chance. I feel like my marriage to Ryan was something that was rushed into, probably for the wrong reasons. I'm not saying I will ever get married again but if I do, I will at least have learned from this experience and will be able to make the right choice for the right reasons later in my life.

--I am grateful for a return of self esteem. I don't want to rag on him, but there used to be a lot of stuff that I did that Ryan would complain about. Because of that, and other factors, my self esteem plummeted during my marriage. Almost two months after all of this started, I feel like I am myself again. I never really felt comfortable or like I could really be who I was with Ryan. Now I am able to do that and am beginning to love myself again and feel comfortable in my own skin.

--I am grateful for freedom. That might sound terrible, but I absolutely love not having to answer to anyone now. I don't have to explain myself for purchases I make. I don't have to be responsible for someone else's meals or clean clothes or whatever. I only have to worry about myself and don't have to be accountable to someone. I am loving that.

--I am grateful for a new outlook on life. Certain things have changed for me since the divorce. It has been a welcome change. Frankly, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders now. I can be who I am and don't have to do things just to please others. (Again, this is one of those comments that might not make total sense if you don't know the situation, but I promise I will explain soon.)

--I am grateful to be in Boise. I LOVE Boise. It is my home, and always will be. I am loving being back here and being near my mom and closest friends. It's been wonderful.

--I am grateful for the chance I've had to take some time off. I've got enough money to survive until the end of January without a job...it's nice not to have a big ticking time bomb over my head. I have the freedom to take my time to find the right job.

--I am grateful for the things that will happen in the future. What I am speaking of in particular is the chance to get my own apartment. I've never lived by myself before and frankly I can't wait. I'm sure it will get lonely every once in awhile, but I am going to love having my own space and privacy. I have appreciated my mom welcoming me back to her home so willingly, but it will be nice to have a place to do with what I want.

--I am grateful for the chance I've had to reconnect with old friends, and make some new ones. It is such a big world out there and I can't believe how limited my view of it was before. I am excited to meet new people and see new perspectives.

--Most of all, I am grateful for all the support I've gotten the past couple of months. It's meant so much for everyone to offer what they could. I have been shown so much love and concern, which is something that was desperately needed and something I fear I won't ever be able to repay. I just hope you guys now how much it has meant to me to have you by my side.

I could probably ramble on for awhile, but there is a decent list. I had a great Thanksgiving holiday and am now looking forward to an exciting weekend. My mom and I went shopping tonight and I basically finished shopping for everyone on my list except for my sister. Not bad for a day after Thanksgiving. =) I hope all of you had a good day as well and were able to think of the ways your life has been blessed.

Sick

In Body, Mind, and Spirit. All of yesterday I felt totally nauseous and by 7pm, the puking began. I threw up several times, with different incidents lasting up until 1:30am. I also got almost no sleep since I was in pain all night. Today I haven't thrown up yet, but I still don't feel good. I've been laying in the livingroom, on the couch, watching tv or napping for the entire day. I just woke up from my latest nap, during which I had a terrible dream that I was moving out of the house I shared with my husband...only to realize that actually happened in real life.

I can feel myself sinking here. My energy is being drained. I think everything that's happened is finally starting to hit me and it's just making me sick in every way possible. I don't feel like showering or getting ready or going anywhere or eating or talking. I just feel like curling into a ball and trying to forget that I actually need to start making plans for this new life that I never imagined I would have.

Anyway, I just wanted to get that out...to vent, if you will. I haven't been able to find my wall charger for my phone since I got here, so I bought a car charger. Right now my phone is totally dead so if any of you call or text me, that's why I don't get back to you right away...although in my state of mind I might not get back to you right away anyway...

Boise

So we arrived in Boise on Saturday night and unloaded the truck. I've been slowly setting things up the past couple of days. My room is mostly put together. We got DirecTV installed yesterday and upgraded to wireless internet today (I'm finally able to use my laptop again!) so that's been good.

On Monday I hung out with my best friend Cheri, which was nice. She is very pregnant...about to go at any moment. Yesterday I was pretty lazy all day, just sat around the house and watched tv. Today I went out for a little shopping. I also stopped by the work place of an old friend of mine here. I was nervous about seeing this person, and apparently he was just as nervous to see me. It was pretty obvious he was a little uncomfortable and the whole conversation was a little weird...I didn't get what I wanted out of it at all. It's a really long story, but I guess I was just hoping for a few answers from him today and I didn't even get the chance to ask my questions. I hope we might be able to get together at a later time for a real chat, but I have a feeling that might not happen.

As far as my last post goes, my mom and I have reached a truce of sorts about that topic. She's not thrilled with my decision, but I can also start to follow my own path without feeling too guilty about it. I know that probably doesn't make sense to anyone who doesn't know the situation, but I'm still not ready to get into here.

I haven't talked to Ryan since Saturday. It's weird. It's not that I necessarily want to talk to him, it's just weird not to. I'm used to seeing him almost every day. This is just going to be a strange transition.

I guess that's about it for now. I haven't been looking for jobs or anything...just taking a little time off. I also haven't been writing though so I need to get on that. Now that my laptop is working with the internet, I will try to start as soon as possible.

The End

Right now I am lying on the floor of my bedroom after a restless night's sleep. I didn't have a bed (it's already loaded in the moving truck) so it's not all that comfortable. But that's kind of the least of my issues right now.

I feel like crying. My life has just turned into some kind of nightmare. It's just so unbelievable that this is my last morning in this house, ever. Yesterday was probably the last time I will ever see Ryan, face to face. Honestly, part of me feels like trying one more time to talk some sense into him, beg him to reconsider this whole thing...but then I wonder, is that because I really love him and don't want to be without him or because I am terrified of the future? If I answer truthfully, it is the latter. I know my future with Ryan. It would be easy. My future now is uncertain.

I feel like such a disappointment to everyone. I've already lived the majority of my life for other people...trying to be who I should be to make them happy. I feel like this is a time to start over and concentrate on making myself happy, but in doing that I am hurting others. This probably all sounds confusing if you don't know the circumstances, but I'm not ready to share quite yet. I'll just say I talked to my mom last night about some possible future plans and she was very upset...like crying upset. I don't want to let her down or cause friction in our relationship, yet when I relented and told her to forget everything I said and that I wouldn't do that, I just felt sick. I feel sick about it now. I really can't stand the idea of living for everyone else, yet I can't stand the feeling of being a let down.

Basically life just sucks right now.

The Letter

So here's the situation. Ryan and I divided up our credit card debt. He was going to transfer his share over to his own cards, but then he got turned down when he applied, so he was just going to send me the monthly payments for awhile until he could get one. Then he changed his mind and told me he would give me a check for the full amount because he boss was going to loan him the money. So yesterday he sent me a text saying he would give me the check but would want some kind of proof his share of the credit card debt had been paid, like a balance statement. I didn't want to tell him this, but I had decided that for the time being I was going to put that money into my savings account and just use it to pay the monthly balance for about two months while I took some time off and wrote. When he said that, I had to admit to him that I wasn't planning to put it towards the credit card debt right away. I told him I would sign something saying he'd given me the money. He said he would type it up...I figured it would be something like, "I, Samantha Goodrich, recieved $XXX from Ryan Goodrich on November 4, 2009 to cover his share of the credit card debt incurred in the course of our marriage." Instead, this is what he left me:

"On November 4 of 2009, I (Samantha E. Goodrich) received the total sum of $XXX from Ryan B. Goodrich. As this fulfills his fair and equitable portion of our marriage's credit card debt, which we both agreed upon, no additional recompense is required. My signature below indicates that I hold him under no further monetary obligations.

In signing this, I agree to the stipulation that I will not require or request additional monetary support (for bills, loans, alimony, etc.) or gift money from Ryan before or after the divorce is finalized as the money I have recieved from him will be kept in my savings account to ensure my own financial security until I find further work. Any gift or financial support money I recieve from Ryan will be of his own choice and conscience."

There are really no words for how hurtful this was. He makes me out to sound like some kind of gold digger, when really I was going to put the money in savings so that I wouldn't have to ask him for help financially later. He told me just a week before announcing his desire for a divorce that if he hadn't of married me, he probably wouldn't have made anything of himself in college and wouldn't have the good job he has now. Based on that comment alone, I should be entitled to some alimony since he is making a good salary and I won't have a job in Boise, but I wasn't planning to seek any kind of alimony. He just acts like he wants to erase all connections and obligations he ever felt towards me.

I can feel myself unraveling here...like I might just break at any moment. Two more days and I will be on my way to Idaho. Once I get there, I can just lay in bed for a few days and wallow but until then I have to keep up my strong front which is getting more and more difficult everyday.

Reconsidering

I find myself still thinking of ways I could get Ryan to reconsider the divorce...but its not because I can't picture my life without him, it's because I can't picture my life period. I am terrified of what the future holds for me now. I feels like with the end of my marriage, I have to reconsider every aspect of my life. Right now, I can't ever see myself wanting to get married again. And I can't even really imagine having to throw myself back into the dating pool. It also raises a lot of questions for me as to what to believe in now, but that's a whole other deep topic that I don't feel like getting into until things straighten out. The point is, everything I thought WAS, no longer IS. I have to reconsider my whole life and not having a plan is terrifying. I like to plan everything. I make plans for hypothetical scenarios. Now I have no plan. It would be easier to just stay with Ryan and continue my life how it was...do what is expected and have a family, don't question anything, try to be a good wife. That's not what I want to do, it's just the easy route. I just need some time out from life. I am looking forward to being in Boise by next Sunday and plan to spend a few days in bed, not once getting ready or leaving the house, just pondering my new place in life and trying to figure out who I am now.